Running away

Ever looked back to realize that you are so far from where you started and that the last 8 weeks of your life have been such a whirlwind that you don't even know when the running started.

When I first came here I swore upside-down and backwards that I would never let this place change who I was or change all those particularly special things about me that make me different from all of my classmates. Yet, the past 14 months have been filled with nothing but a struggle to hold on to those things that define who I am. But instead of holding fast to the things nearest to me, I find that the life I now lead, has broken me, so that I can hold on to only the theory of holding on to my past life. It seems even more difficult to put into words than I expected.

Wondering about change, I ask myself again, if I have truely changed or if the circumstnaces of my life have led me to accentuate personality traits that have been hidden, yet ever-present, in my life.

On the other hand, could what I am feeling be a simple consequence of my wanting to shut the world out? So when I first came, it was acceptable to feel lonely and to want to go home and to feel overwhelmed. But as time passed, things got better. Or at least it felt like they were getting better. And thing things took an unexpected turn. Home wasn't what it used to be and people were growing up and moving away. Then I had to come back. But things here were different too. It's like people went away and found something to word towards or discovered why they choose this life. Others stayed and worked towards a goal that now seemed more attainable. Everyone grew apart as a whole, while small groups of people grew closer together. It has different, we had all changed.

So, unfortunately, I am not the same person stuggling, that I was a year ago. I am much less optimistic, less patient, and more bitter. Yes, the baseline of those is not that over normal people, but I have never claimed to be normal. Why all of a sudden a purging of emotion and thoughts? Simply because sometimes fear keeps things locked away and in brief moments of lucidity, you have to say all you can before it gets locked up again.