It takes a man...

to be a real father.

what the hell does that mean? stupid commercials. everything is black and white in fantansy land. good decisions and bad decisions and nothing in between. but every once in a while... it gets me thinking...

there are real men and not so real men.

but what makes the difference?

is a real man the one that stands up for his daughter and fights to be with her when she is growing up or is the real man the one that fights for his family dispite of everything that is going on around him?

Question is... was my father being a better man by staying with his wife and kids and pretending that his I didn't exist to save his family...or would he have been a better man, leaving his wife and two kids to be with a woman he loved and the child and life they had built?


In the end, who am I to judge him? How would I know what it is like to be torn between two loves or two responsibilities when I can't even let myself be near one??

should I blame my inability to trust the opposite sex on my father or just my inability to get past my past?? where is the line between fighting to make the same mistake twice (aka: what my mother did) or fighting to make my own life? I just don't know how to make sense of my life.

A part of me wants to find the one person in this world that make me feel so special that nothing else matter, but another part of me want to feel complete without anyone else in the picture. Why can't I just let go of my pride for enough seconds to let someone else in? Am I my greatest fear? Is the fact that I don't even trust myself to be independent the fact that I can't let myself get anywhere close to anyone?

when will i realize that i am not my mother and that i will not make the same mistakes as her??? when will i trust myself enough to let all my insecurities go away and just follow what i really want: a peaceful life filled with love, ambitions and impossible dreams. why not? why can't I have everything I ever dreamed of? why can't I give my children the childhood that I dreamed about? the one with a mother and a father and a pseudo-normal life.