Broken Heart

Ever had your heart broken by 20+ men at the same time. Kinda hard right, but nevertheless, possible. It happened to me three times within the last week, only the last one was the worst. It is hard being so emotionally invested in something you have no control over. And one should, as a rule, not do stupid things like that. But, that's the risk you run, when you are fighting being broken. Instead of using the energy I do have to get my life on a path that could be better, I isolate myself and find other places to put all my emotional strength.

So not only did my dear Astros lose the World Series, they were swept. The first loss, not so bad, I could deal. But after that, they just took my heart and broke it over and over again. I can never have those countless hours of watching them play back. I don't think, I do. But I would have liked to see them fight with that fire in their eyes that only they had from back when they were the worst team in the league.

It's like I used their energy to feed my own. They did good, I did good. They loss, I didn't do so good. And all the time, they made me feel close to home, like in the old days, when I watched over half their games season after season, watched them become NL Central Division Champions, and then lose to the Atlanta Braves, over and over again. And I finally got to see them win again. And they brought me closer to the home that I have lost forever, but now they are gone, and so I fall.

And I fall because I am tired of fighting, and trying to understand, and trying to be better and trying to move on and accept the changes that life brings. And it's worse than last year, even though I have fought harder. I feel like I don't cry enough, even though everything makes me cry. And now, what used to not phase me any, makes me cry, makes me want to run away, makes me angry, makes me bitter, makes me sad. But I, don't have a choice anymore. I won't quit, because I would hate myself, and I can't do that and hate the world at the same time. I can't promise that I will be positive or make any attempt to change my attitude. All I can do right now, is not quit.

And there is my truth. Told you I couldn't keep my own secrets.