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Stupid boys.

It all started Monday morning, when I walked into my small group and the first thing said to me was "happy birthday" and it was the stupid boy. I tell him, it's the next day and he says, "I know, happy early birthday."

So, since this summer, it was been a stormy ride with him. First, I decide I still like him. Then I decide to tell him I like him. Then, I decide to explain my weird moods. And, then, we quit speaking to each other. By this time, I have decided the further I am from him, the better off I am.

Then, of course fate, puts us in a small room with only 9 other people. Kinda hard to ignore someone, but we still manage. Finally, he decides that to be my friend he has to try to be nice to me. So, he is nice to me and we are on speaking terms again. We know that I can't stay away. But I try. I don't look for him or change my schedule to see if I can bump into him, or think about him excessively. So around the same time, his birthday rolls around and I decide to go out and celebrate with him and our friends. He pulls me aside and attempts to give me this speech about how much it means to him that I am his friend, and how he loves me as a friend, and how it makes him feel so much better that we are on speaking terms again, blah, blah, blah...Whatever. I make a birthday cake for him because I made one for his roommate. (i didn't do it for the attention, though you might not believe me).

Winter break comes, nothing out of the ordinary. We come back to school, I am as cool as ever. I am on this "not looking back" thing and I feel good. I don't think about him as much any more. I don't look for him in class. My heart doesn't race as much when he is around. So, I'm thinking: oh, yeah, I am over him. Which brings us to Monday.

I understand that I make a big deal about my birthday and that I expect a lot of attention, so if someone remembers at 8 AM on a monday morning that it's my birthday, I am kinda flattered, no big deal. I will take attention whenever I get it if I am looking for it. Later that same day, we go back to small group and I hear this little voice in my head say, "I think he is sitting here, sit next to him." I sit down, but don't give it that much thought. He walks in and my heart races and I think, "I hope he sits next to me." So I internally yell at myself and focus on class. Soon class gets boring and I find myself flirting with him (because he is sitting next to me). I will spare you the details. Regardless, I found myself sinking back to the old feelings. So, I yelled at myself again.

Next day, actually birthday, I get a text message from someone: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :) (copied exactly as received). So I think, how sweet, it's 9:30 and someone is thinking of me. But I don't know who sent it. Later that day, I reply saying, "thanks, but since I broke my phone, I don't know who this is." Considering we were in a boring class, I am not that surprised by the fast response from him letting me know it was him.

So, I figure, I was nice to him on his birthday and so he is trying extra hard to be nice to me on my birthday. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. But tell that to my head and my heart that are totally over-reacting. AHHH! I hate feelings! I hate boys!! But I won't let him ruin my day. Whatever, we all have our weak moments, this is mine, just gotta push through. It will be fine.

Then today, walk into small group and the first thing he says to me is "Happy Birthday." I smile and say thanks. What else am I supposed to say: What is your problem, do you think I'm stupid or deaf, do you think I didn't hear you the first two times? Whatever, I doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean anything. AHH! Why, why now? Why when I was doing so good at moving on? AHH! And, then, later this afternoon, again, flirting, sitting next to him, wanting to hold his hand, wanting to have hime talk to me and continue flirting with me!

So I get it: I doesn't mean anything. He is just my friend and he is being nice to me because that is what friends do. But seriously, how many times does he have to say happy birthday to me. And why do I have to sit next to him and he flirt with me? WHY? Normal people think: it's flirting, just like with everyone else in the class that you flirt with, it's just having fun.

But at the end of telling this long drawn out story for the third time, why is it that I really want to believe that this once, just maybe, it means something. Stupid boys...no wait..stupid me!