Treat the underlying disorder

One of the things they teach at us at school, that I have actually picked up on, is that you should always figure out the big problem. Sure you can treat the symptoms, but the disease won't go away until you figure out what is causing it. Sometimes, the disease is masked by all the symptoms that arise and if you aren't focused, you won't find the source and the problem won't go away. It is amazing to see that if you directly treat the source of the disorder, all those other symptoms will go away on their own or a lot more easily.

If epiphanies exist, I got one this morning. It's kinda one of those big picture things. I saw it once and it really helped to focus me (but because I am who I am, I promptly forgot), and I saw it again today.

From the beginning:
Since this Christmas when my brother came to see me, I have been quite preoccupied with this whole "I haven't talked to my dad since I was 15 issue." Sure, it's one of those facts of my life that I just deal with and it's always there, but there isn't much to do about it.

Those who have spent any prolonged period of time in my life, know that around this time of year, I am just not a happy person. And it usually has to do with increased time spent thinking about my dad. + other stuff
Unfortunatly, these preoccupations were starting to keep me up at night; since sleep is my favorite thing to do, anything that disrupts it: NOT GOOD.

Tramatizing event:
I had a dream that really freaked me out on Tuesday afternoon. It was about a boy whom I have been trying to get over, but have recently had a relapse (see other posting). Couldn't get this boy out of my mind.

Solution:
Take a day off of school. I slept in and did some errands and had some time alone to think. No resolution.

Epiphany:
After the first good night of sleep in a long time, I was in class and I remembered something I said last year, in like April.

He reminds me of my brother, who reminds me of my father.

And, then, it made some sense to me. Weird, right? (Chances are the two are unrelated, but I will pretty much believe anything right now that makes me feel better.) So the reasoning now is: This boy has all those annoying qualities that my brother possesses (that I believe he gets because he is my dad's son). When I talk to him, it makes me happy, but I think it is the feel safe happy. Yeah, I giggle and smile and act silly, because let's be honest, I'm a girl and he really isn't my brother. Point being: this recent relaspse doesn't mean that I am again falling for this boy. I kinda see it as me looking for my dad, where he isn't. Alright, not airtight reasoning, but it makes me feel better.

Connection:
If I can resolve (or quite thinking about) the issues with my dad, it will be easier to deal with my feelings for this boy.
And I think I can convience myself to think of him as my brother. First, I really do care that we remain friends. Not in the "I will love him from afar and always be there just in case" kinda friends. But, the "let's hang out and share some good times and if I need help, I can call you and if you need help, you can call me, but we don't have to talk every day or every week," kinda friend.

Side Note:
I think he has a girlfriend, but he won't tell me (or talk about it for that matter), and it doesn't break my heart.

I am going to be ok with this. It will not break me. It will be ok.

so, i decided to pull this after only being up for one day, and today I want it to go up again.
Difference being that now post-VDay, I am ok and I was OK yesterday, but the good kind of ok, not the ok that you tell your friends so that they don't openly worry about you.