honesty

I was talking to my mom yesterday. We talked for hours, like we do sometimes when I am home. I feel like she is one of my best friends, but at the same time, we are soo different and don't get alone most of the time. I love her and respect her. But there are times when she frustrates me so much. But whatever, she's my mom and the most wonderful woman in the world. I feel so much better when we can agree on something. I love knowing that no matter what, she loves me and I could never disappoint her. However, I makes me sad to hear her cry and not know why. I wish there was something I could do to help make her life easier. I wish I could do enough so she would not have to worry anymore. But at the same time, I don't want to know. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have that kind of responsibility. I don't want to grow up the way she did. She isn't her parents and I am not her. And I know that I am slowly but surely turning into a version of her, therefore, I can see why she does some of the silly things she does. For example, we both feel the need to protect the other one. We don't want to worry the other person and would go above and beyond to make sure that hurtful things never got around.

As good as a conversation as we had, I can't help but feel a bit deceitful and angry. I wish my mom and I could talk about my father without one of us crying (mostly her.) I wish I could tell my mom about talking to my dad over the summer. I wish I could tell her how angry I was at him and theoretically, without much justification, at her as well. I wish I could believe her account of things, and not think that she is just trying to protect me.

I mostly wish I could find a way to not think about this all the time. I wish it wouldn't consume me. I wish I could quit judging myself and my mother because of this whole stupid thing. I wish I could find a way to understand, how to move beyond it all. Or at least learn how to live in spite of it. I wish I could get out of this shell that keeps me from being honest with my parents and just let them know that I am sadden by the choices that they made. But at the same time, what right do I have to be angry with them. My life, in the end, is really good. I turned out a not so bad kid, with a not so bad future ahead of me. So why isn't that enough. Why do I have to torture myself with my past instead of focusing what is ahead of me? Why can't I just be honest with myself and the people I love the most?