I can't imagine

It's close to valentine's day, so love is on everyone's mind. I am no exception. Problem is that didn't realized that I have created a great big wall around my heart. I can't tell you whether or not the wall is so strong that it will never come tumbling down. It may be so fragile that as soon as someone lays hands on it, it could break forever. But I don't know if I could ever find out. I realize tonight that I just won't let anyone near or do I want to. Call me bitter, call me jaded, call me naive, call me unexperienced, call me dramatic, call me any of those and you would be right. But that is my truth.

I found out tonight that my madrina (my mother's best friend, a woman so essential in my life that I treasure her like my own mother. a woman that became my friend, whom I confide in, someone who has been there since I was born, through all of my secrets and all of my success) is now dating the man that broke her heart. If I were someone else, I would think it was a fairy tale, a dream come true, an opportunity to finally find happiness. But I'm me, and I can't help but be so surprised and a little disappointed.

The story is a familiar one to me. There once was this woman and she fell in love with a man. And they were in love and they were happy. Problem is he was married. But that didn't matter, their love was bigger than his marriage. But he had responsibilities, so he couldn't divorce his wife. And then she got pregnant, and things were still ok, they love was big enough. That is until his wife found out and he had a change of heart. And the child was born. She had so many friends and a loving family that her and her baby made a life for themselves. But she still loved that man. He wasn't the best father to her baby girl, but he "tried." And at some point they started dating again, and yes, he was still married. And once again, he couldn't leave his wife. And they split up again. All this time, the baby girl, grew up into a not-so-baby girl. That baby girl couldn't help but feel betrayed and hurt. It's hard to tell your mom that her life hurts you, because that would kill her. And you want your mom to be happy and find love, but you can't help what you feel.

Now the man finally divorced his wife and the man and the woman are together. Do they deserve to be happy? Yes. Together? Sure, why not. But at what price? I don't understand her. I wish I could, I really do. How could she still love him? After all the pain, after not unconditionally showing his love for her daughter, how can she still love him? She deserves to be happy, she deserves the best in the world, and I want to support her and be truly happy for her, but I can't. Everyone doubts it. Everyone but her. She loves him. And you can't help what you feel.

Her story is the one of so many of the women in my life. But their friendship has survived it all. They have raised their daughters, they have made a life for themselves. They have taught us to value family, education, and, above all, ourselves. They have taught us to stand on our own two feet and fight for what we believe in. They have been our strength, our inspiration, our everything. We are who we are because of these amazing women. But I just don't understand how they could still love those men who left them. I wouldn't change it, because then I wouldn't be who I am and have the life I have. However, I would change the ending and give them a partner who would value them, treasure them, and make them happy.

I don't understand. I can't imagine it. Being in love like that. I have seen different. It's out there, but why can't it be for them. I told my mom the biggest obstacle would be for him to win over his daughter. She is the one who will doubt him the most. I said that daughters also want to protect their mothers. Daughters can actually see the pain, see the tears, and see the sparkle and the smile. Just like moms have a sixth sense about their daughters, sometimes daughters also can develop that special ability to do the same with their mothers. And while it might be ok for all the pain in the world to be bestowed on you, it's not ok when it happens to the people you love. And for a daughter, it hurts to see your mom be hurt over and over again by the same person, who also hurt you.

My mom is a good friend and she told her she was happy for her. She tried to explain to my madrina's family that my madrina deserves an opportunity to be happy and they should let her try. With me, she cried, and said that she only hoped he could treat like she deserved to be treated. I told my mom that friends aren't there to protect people from being hurt. Friends are there to be a foundation to stand on and face your greatest fears, they are there to cry with you and celebrate with you, and help put the pieces back together. I told her she did a good thing. I don't know if I believe that.

And here I am, crying because I am afraid she is going to get hurt again. I am afraid of what this could do to her daughter, only because I could only imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes. That is probably why I won't make the effort to talk to my dad. I don't want him to come near my mother because I believe she still loves him. And he has been gone for too long. And I can't trust him, I won't trust him. That's a fact. I'm not a bigger person, I can't forgive him. And I won't let it happen to me. I don't know what the price of love is. But this can't be it.