the little box

I watched something about risk-takers on tv last night. They talked about how risks were necessary and vital to life. But there are all different kinds of risk-takers. There are the ones that have no regard for their physical well-being by jumping off buildings and then there are those that face death in order to do their job: firefighters, policemen, fishermen, etc. They like the adrenaline, they thrive in changing environments and fuel themselves with the unknown. However, outside of their specific way to take risks, they are actually quite cautious. For example, one guy was driving "like a grandma" on his way to jump off the some building. His reasoning was that on his way to his jump he would likely see 2 or 3 accidents with someone seriously injured, and that was scarier to him than taking the huge risk of jumping off a building. In a way we all compartmentalize our lives (some more than others). There are places were we are willing to take risks and there are other times in life where we stand firm and won't take a chance.

We admire each other for going out-side the box and doing things that we think we could never imagine doing. We have a firm belief in the way we are programmed, that the wiring is permanent and could never be changed. At least I do. And sometimes, I use it as an excuse. The description given about risk-takers was people who loved change. The one thing that I have yet to get accustomed to is change. By that definition, I am no risk-taker. On the other hand, I think we all have a desire to push our limits, to be more than what we see ourselves as. Yeah, to be corny, to be outside the nice little neat box that we have created out of our lives. Facing change isn't easy, it isn't supposed to be and we can all agree it's something everyone has to face. Fine. Part of change is growing up and taking new responsibilities. Fine. Gotta do it at some point. But the fact remains, I don't really want to change that much. Not because it's uncomfortably or scary (although, that does play a part), but because I don't want to lose what I like about myself. Over the years I have been able to look in the mirror and really, truly like myself. Sure there are things that could be better and could use some maturing, but the core of who I am, how I think, how I feel, I don't want to give it up. I don't want to hide me, even with all my faults.

The question I have been trying to figure out the answer to since I got here...how much am I willing to change for this (this job, this career, this life)? I can't explain why it feels like a compromise, I don't know why this is so hard.

I get it that I am not the only one that is scared to make a mistake and to feel like what if I'm not good enough. That's normal. Been there, done that. I get it, really. But how do I fit my nice little box of life into what's expected of me without losing myself? Why is that my big concern? Because I have been disappointed in myself when I do some of the things that I have done in the past 2.5 years because I have been caught up in this life. I don't want to live a life where I am disappointed in myself, but I also don't want to live a life where I ask myself everyday "what if." I can rise to the academic challenge only because that is actually the easiest one to do. I've just been to lazy to do so only because I know that once this isn't holding me back anymore, I have to face making harder decisions. It's easier to do nothing, be passive, and let things happen to you, and blame something else, than actually working hard and failing.