Writing

I don't like to write because I feel that once my thoughts are in writing, I have no control over how they are interpreted, where they go, and who will be a witness to their existence. At least when I speak my thoughts, I get to decide who hears them, I can adjust their delivery, and explain myself, if the occasion calls for it.

So I wonder how it is that poets and song writers can let the writing of their thoughts be their way of life. It's like little pieces of their soul are out on display for the whole world to do with as they please. Today I was witness to singers, song-writers and musicians, letting people take a peak into their worlds. I was amazed at their willingness to be watched and to perform. And I envy them because I would love to be able to stand in front of people and have them see me and understand how they see me. But I can't because I have no idea who I am and what I believe anymore.

So why do I write if I am so afraid? I write because I am overwhelmed and I don't know how else to explain it. I figure that if I can purge myself of these thoughts, then maybe they will resolve. Let's be honest, when I need the most help, I am not likely to ask for it. Because, let's face it, even if I asked for help, point-blank, and someone offered to help me, I still would refuse to take it (yes, even though I asked for it). When I feel this way, I hide because 1. I don't want this to be anyone else's problem, even if they are willing to help. 2. Most people who know me, don't know me to be pessimistic, and I don't want to change that. 3. The drama queen in me can't help but love the idea of suffering alone. 4. This has become the best way to procrastinate.

There is a whirlwind around me today. And today may be the day that I need to hide from this world that has consumed me and face those that I have been ignoring for so long.