looking into the future

those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly - jfk

i was catching up on my tv watching, instead of studying [not because i have these incredible need to set my self up for failure, but because it's a hobby i enjoy, really], and i ran across this quote. and of course i did the thing that i was avoiding to do, i started thinking.

i am afraid to fail. so afraid. fear is the only word i can come up with that accurately describes the chest tightness, hyperventilation, head/heart pounding, sweating, and blurry vision that overcomes me every time that i think about the future. and like many others before me and many others that will come, i am afraid of making a mistake, a wrong choice.

i don't understand why it feels like this is the most important decision ever. i've just never really felt this way before, you know, feeling the looming, impending, lurking doom. it feels like my entire life depends on this choice. this is the big fork in the road, the major decision, the one that will shape my life. the one where i can't turn back. but that's not entirely true. people change careers all the time. careers are ever-evolving, like the old cliche, you are never too old to learn something new. so then, what's the big deal? well, if i knew that, i wouldn't be here.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that my chance of failing miserably is high, really really high. but i have nothing more to lose, except my dream. and if i fail, at least i tried, and will only kick myself in the butt for not trying sooner (that i can't change).

now if i could just figure out exactly how much that was worth to me (in actual dollars) b/c that's the next decision to make.