Dads

I try not to think about mine too much because it usually makes me sad. I have seen my fair share of good dads. Most of my friends are lucky enough to have them. They are the ones that fix things around the house, or make the phone calls to have people come fix things around the house. They are the ones that pretend to make boys nervous, if they were ever to come around the house. They make your friends laugh and tell really corny jokes. They make your mom feel safe and let you know in their own way that they love you. You know that if you ever get lost or in a great big problem, you can call them and they will be by your side. They are the ones that walk you down the isle whenever you decide to make your very own family. They give you advice and hold you. And even if they don't do any of that other stuff, you know that they love you because if you ever were to say, "I love you, dad," they would respond, "I love you too." And that makes me happy, but every once in a while, in the usualy fashion, I think of what has happened to me.

So, after a very brief episode of only thinking about how I have not spoken to him since I was 15, I decided to ignore any and all feeling related to him. That worked really well for a total of one week. Not bad, if I say so myself. But today I had no choice. I thought about him and how he won't speak to me.

Ok, so I was watching the taped version of Grey's Anatomy. All was good and I was thinking about the really hot man that was a guest star and about how much of a jerk he was and how cute I thought he was (blah, blah, blah). Then scene that made me turn away and think of my dad was when Meredith goes to her father's house, whom she has not spoken to in years.
When he opened the door, she asked, "Why didn't you stay and fight for us?'
He responds, "I did."
"Why didn't you fight harder." No answer.
"Is there anything you need from me. Anything at all," he finally says to her.
She says, "I don't need anything from you." And walks away.

That is pretty much how I feel my whole situation turns out. I don't understand how if he loved my mom and I so much, why he didn't stay and fight. I get the fact that he had another family, but I don't know how much he fought for them either. If he quit loving my mother, did he stop loving me as well. And if he didn't want to fight for me, why did he ever plan a life for me? Why did he choose to stay in my life for such a long time? Why make the effor after he had left my mother? Why make me think that he wanted to be a part of my life, if one day he just was going to decide to give up on me and being a part of my life? I don't get it.

I want to know why he stopped fighting for me. Why did he give up on me? I am his daughter, I know he won't deny it, so why decide one day to walk out, walk away and never turn back?

So, I have lots of questions and not many answers. Sure, the best way to get answers is to ask the questions, but that would require me to talk to him. Problem with that is that I inherited his great big ego, which means that I am quite unlikely to be the first one to talk, especially when I don't think I did anything wrong. So, how do I swallow my pride and get the questions to my answers.