Rewatched the scene

is it harder to walk away or have someone walk away from you?

If you are the control freak that I am, maybe it hurts more to have someone walk away from you because you have no control over it. While, if you are the control freak and the one walking away, it is your choice. At least it feels proactive.

But neither of the situations makes the pain any less.

So I understand if he is scared to come back into my life for fear that I will walk away. And I can understand that he might not want to hear that I don't need him and that I have been ok without him. Actually, I have been more than ok. And maybe that hurts him even more. But I can't change what has happened in the past. I can't undo what has been done. I can't even change my feelings. I can barely be ok with the fact that I miss him. And here is where the tricky part is...I want him to be a part of my life. Why? Because, in the end, I love him. I love him because he is a part of me that I don't want to hide, a part of me that I can live without, but I don't want to.

yes, there are plenty of people in the world that never see their father. There are many men in the world that are just bad fathers, bad men, bad human beings. And they have children, and their children suffer. I have been blessed that I did not have that exact same experience. And I could blame him or anyone else for the tough stuff that I did have to endure as a kid, that no one should ever have to go through. But I won't.

I won't change the life I have had, because my life has been good. I have had more love in my life than any person could ever hope for. I have the most loving mother in the world who is friends with the some of the most awsome women in the world that have been our support and our strength. I have the best aunt who has given up almost anything to make me happy. And I have been blessed with the best of friends and the given the most wonderful opportunities in the world. So, why is all of that not enough.

The saying goes that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And another says that God won't give you more than you can handle. So I guess that I should be able to handle what comes my way and be a stronger person because of it. Say that I do take that to heart. I am a pretty strong person. I try my best not to dwell on the bad twists and turns that life sends my way. I try not to ponder on my life story as one that has been filled with trials and tribulations, but rather one that has been filled with happiness and adventures and lessons and my fair share of up and downs. You deal with what you are given and make the best of it. Sometimes you do a "good" job and other times you don't. But as long as you try your best, that is all you can really do.

So, why is not enough? Why do I have to ask myself as I go to sleep at night, why won't my dad talk to me? If I could just say, he's a man that is incapable of love. If I could convience myself that he is a bad man, unworthy of my time. If I could just believe it. But I can't. Because when I look at the pictures of when I was a little kid, he is by my side. He plays with me as if he enjoys it.

He always spoke to me with the truth. For as long as I could remember. There wasn't a sugar coating on what I was told. If I asked the tough questions, I was given the answers. Sure, you can't tell a 5 year old the same thing as a 15 year old, but I never felt like I didn't know what was going on around me. I wasn't a secret. His familiy wasn't a secret. I grew up knowing that my mom and dad and I were not your typical family. But we were happy. And when we were no longer together, they were both still a part of my life. He still came, even after he stopped seeing my mom. He still came around and made the effort. It wasn't the same, he was there.

So is it worse to be there and not a big part and not be there at all? Once again, I would not change my past because I would not be who I am. But I can make choices about my future. The problem is that this isn't just my choice. I don't want to force him to be a part of my life and I don't want him to feel like he has to prove that he loves me. What I do want is to know that he still loves me.

I can't believe that you can stopping loving a child that you took the time to be a part of their life. I can't believe that you can stop loving a part of your life. I can't believe that the man who I grew up loving, my very own father, has stopped loving me. I won't accept that he gets to make the choice to walk out without an explaination.