different

Ever wake up one day and just feel different? Ok, so maybe the change was insidious, but the moment of realization was sudden. That's kinda how I feel right now. I have seen all this change going on around me, but I have been unwilling to admit to a lot of it. And today, things are a little different for me. I realize that today I am more vunerable than ever. So much of who I am, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my feelings, and my thoughts are now out there for so many people to see. Not so much because I write in this blog, but because I have allowed so many more people into my life. But they have responded by holding my secrets close to their heart. So no matter how I hurt, one of them is always there. And though, they could hurt me so much more than anyone else in the world, they don't, because we trust each other.

Today, I am more confident of who I am and what I have to do to get what I want. If I have been able to say it before, I never actually felt it. But I hope that today I can see myself as my friends have always seen me. Not to be full of myself (which in the past I have been), but to be better able to respond to those that I want to help in the future.

I want to walk more confidently and talk like I know what I am saying. I want my friends to be proud of who I am and what I do and how I carry myself. And even though I have made some mistakes (a lot recently, nothing new) and my behavior isn't always the most healthy or appropriate, I feel like all those shitty things I do have made me realize that I can do pretty awsome stuff if I just work a little harder. Things may have come a little easier to me in the past, and maybe that's why I quit working and started to think I did not deserve to be here. But maybe if instead of walking with my head down, I started to look up a little more I could get everything I wanted. And yes, I realize that my friends have been telling this to me for ages, but I can be fairly stubborn and that may never change. But I got the picture and it's not too late.


Fair warning: I am not saying that I am on my way to becoming a saint or that sweet little girl I used to be or that I won't be making any more stupid mistakes or that all of a sudden I am someone else. What I am saying, is that I am going to slowly try to become that person that's a little bit better inside of me. And I will listen to her a little bit more often and I will start to believe that I deserve the best if I work for it a little bit harder and that the big Man Upstairs isn't out to get me or my friends or laugh at us, but we just gotta play the cards he gives us and take giant leaps of faith in our friends, in our futures, and most of all, in our selves. And unfortunatly for all, I can't change the fact that I talk in metaphores.