12 years ago

This is sad, so if you don't want to cry and think about death just stop now.

Every year it catches me off guard and I am not sure I can explain why because it's not like I don't think about it all the time. And this year was no different. I always seem so caught up in things that I don't notice what is going on right in front of my face. So, just a few minutes ago I figured out why my mom has been so sad lately and why I could hear tears in her voice today. I realized that 12 years ago my grandmother died.

I remember the day ever so clearly. It was a moment that changed my life forever. And I don't get it why I forget every year. All year I think about it, but for some reason, during those day immediate preceeding my memory just fails me, and then it just hits me all of a sudden. I don't even know where to begin to sort out all the emotions I feel right now. Her picture is the only one right next to my bed, and it has been that way for years. It all comes back to me all at once. I wish I could tell the story in a way so that people could understand how much she has made a difference in my life and how there will always be before and after.

The reality has always been that since I was little she began to get more and more sick. The older I grew, the worse her Alzheimer's became. Sometimes she knew I was her grand-daughter, but most of the time she didn't. She almost never knew my mother or any of her other children for that matter. And there came in a point in my life when her illness was so bad that my mom had to give up her entire career to take care of her full-time in Mexico. Since she wanted the best for me, my mom sent me to live with my Tia in Texas. So for most of my school up until 6th grade, my mom and I lived in separate places. We saw each other during all of the school breaks (summer, christmas, spring break) and any time my Tia could afford to drive me down to see her.

And that was my life. When I was with my mom, I helped around the house and to take care of my grandmother. It was not easy. To see a person that you love waste away before your very eyes is painful. But it wasn't physical wasting, it was much worse. She became a someone who no longer could take care of herself in the little ways like eating, sleeping, showering, etc. She couldn't tell right from wrong or good from bad or pain or anything. And I helped take care of her. Me, the little kid that did nothing for herself ever, helped take care of her. I helped feed her and bathe her and keep watch over her at night. And I would hold her hand when we went out to public places (which became less and less often) so she wouldn't run away and get lost. I would run after her if she ever left the house. I would sit with her in front of the TV and just keep her company. She would watch me from the window whenever I was allowed to play outside. She would play with my hair and ask me lots of questions. She had this joke about my dad that she used to tell me when she saw me. We couldn't explain how she remembered that small piece of information, but she did. I may have never had her watch over me or babysit me or make me cookies or hand me down receipes, but she was such a big part of my life. And I watched how my mother gave up everything to make sure her mother was taken care of.

And when she died, it was the most painful thing I have ever felt because I my mom was so heart broken, she wouldn't even look at me. She probably doesn't remember because it was probably all a big haze for her. But my mom (and her friends) tried her (their) best to protect me from the tragedy. I was not allowed to stay at my house and I was taken from the funeral home every time I was brought to it. I shared my mother's anger toward the majority of her family for abandoning us. She would have never allowed my grandmother out of her sight, but things would have been so much easier if she had had some help. It felt as if her and my Tia took the entire burden, and it just wasn't fair. I wanted them to all go away since they had never come when we needed them. I didn't let anyone near the casket until after my mother and I had done so first. And it is stupid and stubborn, but that was part of my mourning.

It wasn't until my grandmother had passed that my mom and I finally got to be full-time mother and daughter. And that is why I stayed at home for college and why it has been so hard for me to be away from her. My "abue" was our lives. For all three of us. And it shaped the way we saw the world and our family. It shaped (and still shapes) the decisions we make about each other. Every older lady that I see reminds me of her and every Alzheimer's patient that I see or read about also makes me think of her. And even if I never did get to know her and hear her tell me her life story, she taught me that in the midst of all the darkness, love will always shine through.

So, how can you love someone you never knew? You just do. It's in your blood, it's in your soul, it's in their eyes and it's in yours. And there is just something undeniably special about family and when you see unconditional love, it's hard to hide from because it just envelopes you and transforms you.