I might have crossed the line

I think today I quit pretending that I am nice. Inside I felt that I couldn't fake it anymore. I did my best to avoid the person I am not on the best of terms with. Instead of the usual smile and polite conversation, there was actual silence on my part. And when I found myself alone with this person, I didn't talk and found a reason to walk away. The worst thing is that I am actually considering doing something absolutely drastic to get myself out of this situation. And when I told someone what I was thinking of doing, instead of feeling better, I actually think I made things worse. I pushed away my only ally in my attempt to come up with a permanent solution. A solution, that wouldn't actually solve anything, but only make me feel better.

Because, let's be honest, if I actually cared about this person's feelings, I would have said something by now. Instead, I only care about me and I only care about what will make me feel better and not necessarily what will be best of the both of us and the situation as a whole. So, now that I am so over the line, I don't know what to do. I already said something out loud that hurt someone's feelings and I can't change that. I don't know what to do.

I catch myself, even if I do have a conversation with this person, that I am looking from the person to say something to upset me, so I feel justified in my feelings. So I am no longer even trying to pay attention all I am doing is engage in conversation for the sole purpose of finding something else wrong for with this person or just to be polite. I am an awful friend, and pretty close to being a bad human being. If it bothers me so much, but I am not doing anything, am I any better than this person? The choice is: Change the situation or change your attitude? Which is more important? Which one will make the most people happy? Which one is the best? Which one will make me happy? Can I do either one of them? Am I willing to do either one of them?