Too much TV

When I watch TV I am almost always looking for some sort of connection to my life. I want somehow the TV to transmit some message for me that will impact my life or point out the obvious or make me think a little more.

Tonight, it was Grey's Anatomy again. The last time that the dad showed up on the show I had this horrific breakdown about my own dad, and tonight he shows up again. And the night after I have made the choice to make a breakthrough in my own relationship with my father. Weird, kinda. I feel that regardless of what I decided on my own yesterday, I would have had to think about my dad tonight anyways, so that kinda freaks me out. But anyways, months ago I refused to be the one to reach out and ask for my father's attention because I felt since I had been the one to be "wronged" it was his responsibility, as the adult and the "wrong-doer," to make the effort and look for me and apologize. But now I see my reaching out as me taking my life into my own hands and playing by my rules. Which as a control freak I happen to do often. The logical part of me (very small part of me) knows that it is not that easy to get anyone to play by your rules, but this is the source of courage that I need right now. What will happen and how much it will affect me, I don't know, but now, for once I am willing to take that risk (as painful as it maybe).

And yes that means that I have changed. I have grown up just a little bit. I don't want to be that little girl still waiting, looking out the window over the front porch, for her daddy to pick her up on a Friday evening. (yep, it was how he left me waiting the last time) I am not at that place anymore, so I need to resolve this for me to move on and look somewhere else for hope and not in the past that I can't change. As tired as I am right now from a long year of struggling with who I am, who I want to be and how I am becoming that, I am just looking for peace. A fresh start for my new life in the hospital.

I know I say I don't expect much, but I still haven't been able to put it all out there without a safety net. I may be brave to give it all up and move half-way across the country into the cold whether, but other people believed in me and I can always bitch and whine about it, so I really isn't all that brave when you complain all the time. I need my safty nets still, but one day, I will leap, into the dark, eyes closed, and I will trust, but for now, I will take baby steps hanging on tightly to those that love me enough to hold me tight.

I hope my dad can look me in the eye and tell me he loves me and that he was wrong in letting me go and that he won't do it again. That is what I hope. But if he doesn't, I will always love the man that was there the first five years, because that is more than I could have ever asked for. And I will be ok, because I have been ok thus far.