in real life

no matter how much we wish and want things to happen a certain way, they just don't. life doesn't seem to work on our own schedule. so when i said that i was on my way to being over the boy that has consumed my thoughts, it worked for like 2 days. and then it was simply unbearable. because in my struggle to not think about him, i thought about him even more. and the more determined i was to keep him out of my head, the more he was a part of it.

and after a girls' night out on the town, i am in my room, alone, thinking about him. and of course i think about only the good things and none of the bad. and if i do think of the not so good things, i pretend to justify them. and for what purpose? none whatsoever! yet, i think of his smile and his birthday wishes and the times we have touched hands and danced and looked into eachother's eyes and talked about random shit. and i miss it all. and i know i can never have it back and it can never be the way it was, but i miss him.

i miss the hugs, i miss the flirting, i miss the attention. i know it was more from me than from him, but it unfortunately meant something to me. more than many of the other boys that i have obsessed about. he makes the list of unforgetable boys. as of right now there are four on the list and he is the fourth. i have liked many, many boys and most of them i couldn't tell you their name. but then again, i am not very good with names in the first place. so i could tell you lots about the boys that have consumed my time, but only four will i remember their names and faces and stories. the others i will only remember their stories (ok, and their faces).

ONE: my first love. and yes, i will call him that. the first boy that i talked to on the phone. the first boy that i was really nervous talking to. the first boy that i plotted evil things to get his attention. the first boy that i shared my deepest thoughts with. the first boy that i attempted to manipulate. the first boy that i let manipulate me. the first boy i said i love you to (and the only one). the first boy to kiss me. the first boy to make me cry (and really cry). the first boy i was ever angry at and that i tried to make jealous. the first boy to steal my heart and break it. the first boy to never speak to me again by choice and not circumstance. the first boy of my life.

two: the boy that captured my attention because he was the one of the few to pay attention to me. whose personality won me over from day one. who i had to eventually stay away from because it was too painful to be near him (because he had a girlfriend). the one who showed up at work to keep me entertained and for whom i would show up because i just had to see him. the boy who would exchange back massages with me. the boy that i realized after a few months of not seeing him that i didn't stand a chance no matter how much his mom loved me. the boy that i finally was able to talk to about his engagement and as just friends, knowing we had always been just friends.

THREE: he should have been two. the one who restored my faith in boys. the one that i fell in love with because of circumstance. the one who without me knowing took my heart. the one who came into my life to lead me towards my future. the one who made me believe in lucky pennies and fate. the boy that i shared my life with in 15 minutes and never doubted it. the boy that made me cry two days later (i cry alot so that might not mean much.) the one whose last gift (a glass bottle left over from a drink bought at El Mercado) i still keep at home. the boy whose life still crosses mine even from a distance. the most unlikely, yet most predictable. the first boy that i confessed my feelings to. the first boy i took a chance on (knowing that i would never see him again).

four: the one without a girlfriend. the one that i had to hug everytime i saw him. the one that i would plan my day around seeing. the boy that made me so angry that i laughed. the boy that would ask me those really thoughtful questions for no good reason and only to make me argue with him. the boy that i dyed my hair for. the boy whose hand i held. the boy that i dressed up for so that he would dance with me. the one that his friends played interference for me so that i could get him all to myself. the one that would talk to me with loaded (as i perceived it: double meanings) conversation only to pretend that it had never happened. the one who i had hoped to see everyday and only got my wish when it was at the completely wrong time. the one who told me he cared too much and loved me only as a friend. the boy that i can't stop thinking about because he is there every single day and in every single place. the one boy that can never again be my friend because i cared too much for him. the boy that won't talk to me because he knows that it is too mcuh for me to handle. the one that isn't everything i want, but that i still want. the one boy i am sad to let go because 1. there is no one to replace him (unlike w/ all the others that followed sequentially). 2. there is something that i can't explain about him that draws me to him and how his even smallest jestures make me melt inside and cause me to think about him for days..weeks..months.

and every other boy is just another story, just one of the many that have crossed my mind (being as boy crazy as i am). but those four, they mean something, because they influenced the course of my life. they, at some point, said something meaningful that will stay with me forever. or they were just part of my life for long enough that i can't forget them. and the way i moved on: the first one forgot me (just threw me out of his life at his will, without my input). the second one moved away (with his girlfriend) and continued his life w/o me. the third one was the shortest time span, actually between the first two. but he was just such a big "pick me up" that, even though i only knew him for less than one year, he changed my whole outlook on life and is the reason i ever even thought about coming to school here. and then there is this guy. i am afraid to confess how much he actually means to me (mostly b/c i am supposed to be getting over him).

i am i so scared of committment and relationships that i can't fall for a guy that could possibly fall for me?