hell is freezing over

today is the fifth day of april and it snowed today for over 30 minutes. it was so weird. at first it looked like light rain, but then before our very own eyes, the rain turned into snow and the flakes grew and grew. no one in class could believe how it was possible because earlier that morning there had been sunshine and about 50 degrees. in the span of a couple of hours the temperature dropped about 20 degrees and there was a mini blizzard, only to stop suddenly and for the sun to come out and shine again.

other weird stuff that going on: i am going to lay aside some of my pride and ask my dad to talk to me. my brother took the news really well and seems to really care about protecting me, which is something i sometimes need.

it's almost completely official that i will be moving out and that makes me happy and sad. once again i feel a bit torn about my choice to be willing to lose a friend. because, in the end, that is what it comes down to. at what point did i fail as an honest person. when did i start to care more about me than other people. how the hell did i ever think that i have any right to decide that i could walk away with no explanation. in other words, what i am doing to this friend is what i would completely hate for someone to do to me.

yeah, i know, i suck. the thing that sucks about this whole situation is that there is no turning back now. what is done is done and i have to live with that. maybe i deserve to feel like a heartless bitch because i am and the entire world is letting me know it. so, this is my vague attempt at justifying my behavior: on the good days i can be in the same room as this person, still not speak a word to her, but at least not feel the need to be in another room. bad days, however, mean that at the sound of her voice or in her presence i feel the immediate need to be at minimum in another room. so though the decision is the right one, especially for me, now, but i feel horrible.

regardless, i would like to think that at some point i cared enough to think that what i did was to protect our relationship, as misguided as that maybe. in the end, the most likely thing is that i am too selfish.