then and now

I've been home for one week now and it is good; good because i feel safe and loved. It has been super difficult to sit down and study everyday because i just don't have the disciple or the attention span. i do know that coming home was the right thing to do. i can't imagine having to be in nyc right now.

but things feel different. i feel different. a week ago i was scared of the end of second year, hoping and praying that i would pass. i was holding on to emotions that made me feel less like i wasn't going to losing a part of my life. being home now shows me that i have grown up without meaning to. i am not the same person i used to be, but a more experienced one. I still feel like the same little girl that dreams about one day being a doctor, I just happen to be two short years away from making that dream come true. I am still the hopeless romantic that wants to meet her prince charming and live happily every after. I am still the same spoiled brat that gets everything from her mom and her aunt. I am still the same attention seeking kid that will do just about anything to get her way. I am still the person willing to give up anything for the people I love.

Things are less of a fairy tale now. I realize that people aren't always good (and neither am I). I see that friendships are something that happen with time and you just can't be friends with everyone. I can see now that there are somethings that are part of a big grey spectrum, while others are just black and white. I have learned that there are some things in life that you can't change, but sometimes that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I think that love comes in many forms and we don't always understand them. It is unhealthy to give of yourself all the time and receive nothing in return. We can't (and shouldn't) all be martyrs. There are things worth fighting for in life, but you won't always win and it will almost always hurt like hell.

I don't want to say that i am more cynical or bitter but experience lets us see bits of reality that aren't always what we dreamed they would be. I won't stop giving it my all because then I wouldn't be me. Now, I go ahead in life with the same optimism and idealism as before, only now with a clearer view of my obstacles. When I go back in a few weeks, life is going to be different. I have gone past one more stepping stone (probably the one that I have worked the hardest for and that has caused me the most pain). I finally get to do a little of what I have always wanted. I only hope that I can learn enough to make a real difference. I hope that I can be that person that everyone is so proud of, the me that I am proud of.