And there there was...

Ever had one of those times in your life when you are trying to reconcile your ideals with your actions or justify your behavior or your choices or just make sense of what the heck is going on around you? Seems like I am perpetually stuck analyzing things, but completely incapable of making a choice or doing something about anything. I have no idea how much I am willing to give up of my personal life (or lack thereof) for a career or for family.

I honestly don't know how to compromise, when before today it wouldn't have even been a choice. And the biggest of them all, when I make a choice, do I think of just me or of others that may or may not be affected, and do I think of short term or long term consequences? And if each choice leads to a very different life, how do I decide? When is it ok to be spontaneous? When is doing nothing, doing something that you could regret? How do I start being the person that I am proud of when I look in the mirror? What am I willing to sacrifice to get what I want? Why do I want what I want? How do I figure out if I just want something now or if I really want it for the rest of my life?

I have been trying to pick up the pieces since I left Texas and realized that my whole world had been turned upside-down and inside-out. I have been trying to figure out who I am.. to me, to the people I love, to the people I will encounter in the future, and in the grand scheme of things. And not much seems to point in any general direction that I can understand.

What I find most bizzare is when did I quit expecting great things from myself? When did being one of the best start being about what people expected (or didn't) of me rather than something that I did for myself? All of this tells me that I am unhappy about the direction that my life has taken and that I know how to make those changes, but then why don't I just do it? I know that whining is something that I have done for many years. I also understand that I have always had things go my way and that I may have never had to work hard for anything, but that doesn't mean I actually didn't do work. I am not whining about the level of work or the increased expectations, because I never measured my success on what or how other people did and how hard the work was. I always had my own expectations for myself, but now I don't know what those are anymore. Apparently they are higher than what I am doing right now (b/c if they weren't I wouldn't be contemplating it so much), but what does that mean?

How do I start the search either within myself or anywhere else to change or find who I am inside??