I'll admit that filling out surveys allows me to focus my thoughts on things that I would normally ignore. For example, every year around my birthday, I reflect on past birthdays and how much has changed in the past year, 5, 10, 15, 20 (yep, i remember that far back.) So a few days ago I filled out this survey on my space and I decided today that I wanted to a more detailed record of what was going on in my head when I filled this out.
__10 YEARS AGO__
1.) How old were you? 15This was the year that I started high school. I just came from what felt like "top dog" to the bottom of the social ladder. But whatever, I didn't have that many friends in school anyways. More on this to come.
2.) Where did you go to school? TM (freshman year)I had decided to become a swimmer because I knew I would never make it on the basketball team, I hated to run, and I loved being in the pool more than anything. However, once I was on the team, we ran all the time, but I eventually got over it. That year, I believe was the hardest I ever worked. Around this time of year we ended up winning the district championship and I was able to swim in my very first regional swim meet. I came in dead last in both of my events, but it didn't matter, because I still got to swim.
3.) Where did you work? what's work??I never really had a job before, all my work had always been school. And high school work took a little more effort than middle school, but eventually I got the hang of it.
4.) Where did you live? at my Tia Mary's house w/mom, 2 aunts and 1 uncleThis year was the beginning of the end of my stay with at my aunt's house. Things were no where near the same as the year before. My uncle had been away most of the year, so we did as we pleased. But he came back after I was 15 for a much more permanent stay. And it was awful. One of the most defining times of my life.
5.) Where did you hang out? at church, with my church friendsI only really had friends at church. By the time I was 15 I had spent two years at a church "in town." All my friends where there. We saw each other a minimum of 3 times a weeks. It was harder for me to hang out with them because they all went to school together or could at least get to each other's houses, but I lived so far away that was almost impossible. That didn't matter. They were my friends. In retrospect, we were just a bunch of kids looking for people to accept us and creating lots and lots of drama in the process. Someone was always fighting about a boy, or talking behind someone's back. Oh, to be a teenager again!!
My school friends were limited. The people that I had hung out with in middle school had all become "too cool" to hang out with me. I did sit with the same group of people at lunch for all 4 years, but I didn't have any classes with them, nor did we see each other outside of school. And once again, they all hung out together because they could get to each other's house, but I was out in the middle of nowhere.
6.) Did you wear glasses? contactsNo one ever saw me in glasses after 7th grade, until the middle of college. By this time I was wearing green contacts, after a brief trial with hazel, grey, and violet!
7.) Who were your best friends? i don't think i knew the meaning of "best friends"The people I had the most fun with and talked to the most where my church friends. Sandra I would have to say was the one that I would talk to about my drama. Chris was probably the one that I talked to the most. I told him just about everything. I don't think it was reciprocal, but we did spend quite a considerable part of the day just talking to eachother.
At school, Ruth would be the one that I had the most in common with and the one I saw most outside of school. As open as I was back then, I don't think I ever trusted anyone with any of my secrets.
8.) How many tattoos did you have? zero
9.) How many piercings did you have? just my ears
10.) What car did you drive? no car11.) Had you been to a real party yet? not in this country"real" party: no. I only really went out and danced and went crazy during my time in Mexico. My old babysitters, who are 8-10 years older than me, started taking my out at the age of 13/14 and let me start drinking around that age as well. When I went to visit, I was guarenteed on night of clubbing, a visit to the beach or one night of the girls hanging out with some alcohol. All in good safe fun, b/c even they weren't really that crazy.
12.) Had your heart broken? only by one boyMany a tale has been told about Chris. But anyone who spends 7 years in your life, especially when you are 13-19 is bound to be a part of many many stories, that will probably be told to my grandkids at some point. At 15 we had already been through so much. I adored him and I guess I'll never know exactly how he felt, but I don't think it really makes that much difference. We spent so much of our time together, except, of course, when he was with his girlfriend. He did and said so many things that make me think I was a good part of his life, except actually ever asking me to be his girlfriend or telling me that he "loved" me.
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: single, working on bitterI think I was only bitter because when you are 15, you don't do rational. And the boy that had my heart only seemed to toy with it. So I was kinda bitter that he always picked someone else before me. And that would stay with me for a long time.
14.) Were you a virgin? yepBut most importantly, never been kissed.
----------5 YEARS AGO----------
1.) How old were you? 20
2.) Where did you go to school? Texas A&M-CC (sophomore year)
3.) Where did you work? didn't work yet
4.) Where did you live? with my mom and tia mica
5.) Where did you hang out? at Deb's, Stacy's, Christina's, school, random places
6.) Did you wear glasses? only contacts
7.) Who were your best friends? Abby and Barbie
8.) Who was your crush? Brandon, Alex, Christian (in chronological order and in increasing degree of "like"--boy, it was a crazy year)
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? None
11.) What car did you drive? Ford Escort
12.) Had you had your heart broken? not too bad, only a little bruised, but that could have just been my ego ;)
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: single, took until the end of that year to get me over bitter, but succeeded in the end
14.) Were you a virgin? YepThis was a crazy time. I had graduated high school, we had moved out of my aunt's house and I was in the middle of my sophomore year of college. I call this my "rebellious" year. I didn't want to follow any of my mom's rules. I just want to go out and party. I was hanging out with Deb and Christina who did just that. I followed them around and got into lots of trouble with my mom, but I don't think I would have changed that. It was good for me to test my boundaries. I think I began to understand more of who I wanted to be and who I didn't.
A few months earlier in the year I had gotten my first kiss (Chris), but what was most striking about when I was 20, was Christian. That boy undid my experience with Chris in a few short months with only a few conversations. It was the fastest I had ever fallen. But it was good.
***JANUARY 2007***
1.) How old are you? just turned the big 25
2.) Where do you go to school? WCMC
3.) Where do you work? Advantage Testing
4.) Where do you live? NYC with Jenn
5.) Do you wear glasses? mostly contacts, but glasses when i've been awake for too many hours
6.) Who is your best friend? Abby, Barbie, Eging, Stacy, jenn
7.) Do you talk to your old friends? only the one's i like (j/k)
8.) How many piercings do you have? still only my ears
9.) How many tattoos? zero
10.) What kind of car do you have? Scarlet is an Elantra, but she's at home with my tia mary
11.) Has your heart been broken? Yes, but nothing I can't heal
12.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter? Single and loving it
13.) Still a virgin? yepAnd now at 25, I live in a different city, I have more friends, and a little more experience in my pocket. I feel like I have a better understanding of friendship than I did 10 years ago. I admire, respect, and love my friends unconditionally. Sure I getting a little bitchy, irritated, annoyed, and withdrawn sometimes, but that doesn't change the fact that I trust them above all else. As far as the "romance department" goes. That hasn't changed much. There's really only been one other boy in the picture, but apparently I still haven't learned the "we can only be good friends" lesson. Hopefully next time I will.
But I like where I am. I don't always enjoy the self-discovery part, but I guess it is something I have become to accept with time (don't get me wrong, I'll still bitch about it.) It's the self-discovery part of medical school that really has me really wondering where I am heading in the next few years.
The fluctuation of myself confidence and what I want to do with my life, may be the only thing that remains constant. I have been lucky (or worked hard) to have achieved the things that I have thus far. So the track record says that things will likely work out the best possible way and when I look back on it, my reflections will be largely positive. However, I don't know if that is enough to pick me up. I know that I have been trying to pick myself up for a long time now, but only seem to sustain that for very short periods of time.
What I find the most disconcerting is my inability to walk with my head held high, sure of what I want and where I'm going. I look away, I look down, I look to others for answers. It scares me to know what I want and be afraid to never get it. I don't know when I lost sight of my goals. What upsets me the most is that I just didn't listen when people were telling me things were important. I would have never put my academic career in jeopardy. Ever. Anytime a grade was not what I wanted I worked twice as hard so it never happened again. And it never did. Until I got here. And now I don't know if it's that I'm not working hard enough, or that I am trying to do it all on my own, or if this is even something I am good at. I don't know how to ask questions or ask for help anymore. I can't talk to people in authority and seem truly interested.
Everything seems to spinning so fast out of my control. I don't know with certainty where I am heading. The last time this happened to me, I tried to run away, but before I got too far, things ended up working out perfectly. However, I think my luck has run out. I haven't worked nearly hard enough to deserve a second chance or for things to work out, and I know that and it's hard more me to accept, but it is even harder for me to change. I want to learn from these mistakes, but I don't know how to do it without feeling sorry for myself.
And to top it off, all I can hear is my stupid dad lecturing me about goals and not judging things before doing it and how it's hard to come from behind and that you don't always get second chances. And I hate him for it. I hate him for being able to torture me without even being around. I hate that I can't ask him the questions I want the answers to and I hate that I am too coward to take control of my own future. I hate that I feel like I have to stand alone, when I am surrounded by people that love me and support me and believe in me. I hate that I create all of this inside my head and that I can't let it go.
So who knows where I will be 5, 10, 15 years down the road and how different I will be. Who knows what I will think when I re-read this at some later date or what great big lesson I will have learned. Only time will tell.
