30 extra minutes

what could you do if you had an extra 30 minutes each morning?

would you snooze, watch TV, listen to the radio, take extra time in the shower, read a book, finish the work you took home last night, go in early to work/class, take a quick jog/walk?

i know what i would do, but instead i forgot i had an extra 30 minutes this morning and i came in early and now i figured, "hey, why not update my blog. sounds like a reasonable use of time."

I have to make some major life decisions within the next few days. One consists of deciding my schedule for next year. Which clerkship, when, where, in what order. All major decisions. And as I am making my choices, I realize that i mostly base my decision on random things. For example, one of my most important considerations is location: can i get home fast enough or do i have to wait for the shuttle? Instead of being concerned with what residents are like or my potential for learning more material or getting more hands on exposure or where i could get the best recommendation, I worry about if it is easily accessible to my house (apt.).

random thought: i get to go to my real house (the one with a front and back yard) in very few days. so which would you pick: winter in the NY or summer in South Texas? Problem is winter is over and spring has started. And spring in the city is beautiful because the dead-looking trees start blooming and it seems like the whole city is ready to wake up from their winter hibernation. but as beautiful as that sounds, I don't know if I could trade that for the sweltering heat that is completely unbearable.

in real life

no matter how much we wish and want things to happen a certain way, they just don't. life doesn't seem to work on our own schedule. so when i said that i was on my way to being over the boy that has consumed my thoughts, it worked for like 2 days. and then it was simply unbearable. because in my struggle to not think about him, i thought about him even more. and the more determined i was to keep him out of my head, the more he was a part of it.

and after a girls' night out on the town, i am in my room, alone, thinking about him. and of course i think about only the good things and none of the bad. and if i do think of the not so good things, i pretend to justify them. and for what purpose? none whatsoever! yet, i think of his smile and his birthday wishes and the times we have touched hands and danced and looked into eachother's eyes and talked about random shit. and i miss it all. and i know i can never have it back and it can never be the way it was, but i miss him.

i miss the hugs, i miss the flirting, i miss the attention. i know it was more from me than from him, but it unfortunately meant something to me. more than many of the other boys that i have obsessed about. he makes the list of unforgetable boys. as of right now there are four on the list and he is the fourth. i have liked many, many boys and most of them i couldn't tell you their name. but then again, i am not very good with names in the first place. so i could tell you lots about the boys that have consumed my time, but only four will i remember their names and faces and stories. the others i will only remember their stories (ok, and their faces).

ONE: my first love. and yes, i will call him that. the first boy that i talked to on the phone. the first boy that i was really nervous talking to. the first boy that i plotted evil things to get his attention. the first boy that i shared my deepest thoughts with. the first boy that i attempted to manipulate. the first boy that i let manipulate me. the first boy i said i love you to (and the only one). the first boy to kiss me. the first boy to make me cry (and really cry). the first boy i was ever angry at and that i tried to make jealous. the first boy to steal my heart and break it. the first boy to never speak to me again by choice and not circumstance. the first boy of my life.

two: the boy that captured my attention because he was the one of the few to pay attention to me. whose personality won me over from day one. who i had to eventually stay away from because it was too painful to be near him (because he had a girlfriend). the one who showed up at work to keep me entertained and for whom i would show up because i just had to see him. the boy who would exchange back massages with me. the boy that i realized after a few months of not seeing him that i didn't stand a chance no matter how much his mom loved me. the boy that i finally was able to talk to about his engagement and as just friends, knowing we had always been just friends.

THREE: he should have been two. the one who restored my faith in boys. the one that i fell in love with because of circumstance. the one who without me knowing took my heart. the one who came into my life to lead me towards my future. the one who made me believe in lucky pennies and fate. the boy that i shared my life with in 15 minutes and never doubted it. the boy that made me cry two days later (i cry alot so that might not mean much.) the one whose last gift (a glass bottle left over from a drink bought at El Mercado) i still keep at home. the boy whose life still crosses mine even from a distance. the most unlikely, yet most predictable. the first boy that i confessed my feelings to. the first boy i took a chance on (knowing that i would never see him again).

four: the one without a girlfriend. the one that i had to hug everytime i saw him. the one that i would plan my day around seeing. the boy that made me so angry that i laughed. the boy that would ask me those really thoughtful questions for no good reason and only to make me argue with him. the boy that i dyed my hair for. the boy whose hand i held. the boy that i dressed up for so that he would dance with me. the one that his friends played interference for me so that i could get him all to myself. the one that would talk to me with loaded (as i perceived it: double meanings) conversation only to pretend that it had never happened. the one who i had hoped to see everyday and only got my wish when it was at the completely wrong time. the one who told me he cared too much and loved me only as a friend. the boy that i can't stop thinking about because he is there every single day and in every single place. the one boy that can never again be my friend because i cared too much for him. the boy that won't talk to me because he knows that it is too mcuh for me to handle. the one that isn't everything i want, but that i still want. the one boy i am sad to let go because 1. there is no one to replace him (unlike w/ all the others that followed sequentially). 2. there is something that i can't explain about him that draws me to him and how his even smallest jestures make me melt inside and cause me to think about him for days..weeks..months.

and every other boy is just another story, just one of the many that have crossed my mind (being as boy crazy as i am). but those four, they mean something, because they influenced the course of my life. they, at some point, said something meaningful that will stay with me forever. or they were just part of my life for long enough that i can't forget them. and the way i moved on: the first one forgot me (just threw me out of his life at his will, without my input). the second one moved away (with his girlfriend) and continued his life w/o me. the third one was the shortest time span, actually between the first two. but he was just such a big "pick me up" that, even though i only knew him for less than one year, he changed my whole outlook on life and is the reason i ever even thought about coming to school here. and then there is this guy. i am afraid to confess how much he actually means to me (mostly b/c i am supposed to be getting over him).

i am i so scared of committment and relationships that i can't fall for a guy that could possibly fall for me?

The Maverick and Change

Just in case you had not noticed, this blog has changed a bit. The backgroud, the title, the frequency of posts, etc. Mostly because I got tired of being so gloomy; I can only do gloomy for so long.

Change of Topic:
Yesterday I went to a panel of fourth year students that had matched in emergency medicine. Thought I could get some concrete advice (and insight) about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
Pros about emergency medicine:
1. shift work - go in, do your thing, go home
2. night shift - i don't sleep anyways
3. no patient follow up - i have commitment issues
4. Last resort - i love being the unsung hero
5. adrenaline - always on the move
6. a little bit of everything

Cons about emergency medicine:
1. night shift - i love having evenings off
2. no patient follow up - i care too much to not know what happens next
3. Last resort - there is something too wrong with our health care system if you have people coming to the ER for a cold
5. Most of the time patients hate you b/c it takes about 12 hours to see someone in the ER
6. Too much to know

yes, I did the list so that they would be even, but there is something one of the fourth years said about the kind of people that go into emergency medicine. They are usually are the mavericks, the independent ones that can solve anything with their wit and few resources. And as much as I would like to think that is me, it isn't. I have much more of a sheltered experience. I am too dependent and as far as experiences: Not really a city girl, but not really a country girl either. Like the outdoors, but not really. What I do like is the idea of being the first line of defense in case of emergencies. Do what you need to do get someone out of danger and pass it off; that I think I like. I am also the first person to run when it come to not being in control. I like to know what happens in the end and think I have some control over what is going on around me. On one hand, emergency medicine, let's you control the current situation, but how much control does anyone have on saving lives? The bad part is that you see people die all the time, and I don't know if I can handle that.

So, can you see me as a maverick, changing the world one person at a time?
for me, it depends on the day and how adventurous I feel.

why we do the things we do

after talking to one of my classmates tonight, I realized that as girls we do lots of stupid things, just because. We say that we don't want anything in the long run, but that is a bunch of crap. We always expect at least a little attention and if we don't get it we get really upset; even though we just said we didn't expect anything in return.

So why is it that we want the attention from the boys that are least likely to give it to us and the ones that we really don't need it from. When is it that we reach our very own epiphanies? How do we finally convience ourselves that we need to move on? When do we finally get the message, "he is just not that into you."?

If I see that right now, how long can this last? If it is my choice to stay smitten w/ this boy, then how do I make the choice to move on and stick to it? How can i do this w/o thinking about some other stupid boy? How can I do this for me? If I want to move on, how do I convience myself that this is the best option in the end? How do I say to myself that he will never see how good I am for him? How can I stop whatever we had and call it by what it was -- a misunderstanding of feelings and emotions and interests and chemistry. nothing more.

Just a random thought

I identified a weird feeling that I have been having. I have had it once before that I can clearly recall. It was this feeling that I couldn't explain and it was simply a reaction to the way that I was treated. And once I experienced the feeling and identified its source, it changed how I saw the person and our relationship. I fear that has happened again. I have shut down. I am done. I have given up and I don't know if I am sorry. But for now I must pretend because the time is not right. But soon I won't have a choice.

Translation:
I once had a friend, whom I did not like a first, but then decided she wasn't so bad. And we became close. But there was something uneven about our relationship. She had all this drama and it seemed that half the time she created it. She had multiple personalities for the different people that she knew. When she got to college she started to project this persona that not many people before had known existed. And she worked hard to keep that image, all the while being completely different behind closed doors. And then, it all became about her and our friendship was about making her feel better and always telling her what she wanted to hear. And I refused to give up on our friendship until one day it was too much. Everything we did together was a competition with her. Who had the most friends, who had the better grades, who could have the most fun, who was the most popular, who could get the most boys. The problem was that I did not want to compete. I did care for who was the best at any of those things, but to her they were the most important. And I eventually got this weird feeling about her. I began to feel she didn't care about me and that our friendship was simply her way of being entertained until something better came along. And I am better than that. I deserve better friends. And so it ended. And it left me with this bitterness about how I was too quick to trust people.

And now I have this friend who reminds me of my old friend. And I recognize the feeling once more. And I identified it tonight. Last night I had made the decision to not talk about this ever again. I had swore that I would do my best to pretend to care and to suck it up and pretend all was well. I did good earlier today, but then it clicked and I made this connection and it makes me uncomfortable. If I have not had luck being friends with people that give me this feeling is it worth trying? If fundamentally I don't trust this person and don't have any faith in us being real friends, is it worth any effort? Is it fair to judge this person through my previous experience or is it just a weird coincidence?

Get over it day

Here is my report:

So I was supposed to celebrate "Get over it day," but like everything else lately, I forgot. In retrospect I should do a better job of remembering things that are important. Regardless, I am now thinking of all those things I should get over immediately and the only one that comes to mind is about a boy. It is the boy I should have gotten over a very long time ago. At least 12 months ago. But for some reason or another I still think about him. Sure it might be hard to get over someone when you are forced to be in a small room with them at least 4 days a week. And it is kinda hard to not think about him when there are so many places around me that remind me of him.

I should be over him because he is not only not good for me, but he doesn't even care about me. Other than "loving me just as friends." So what am I going to do to get over him? Still working on that. Let you know what I come up with. I am kinda hoping that being away will help. I have a friend that says that distance helps. I hope he is right.

Today someone told me that she couldn't understand why I liked him in the first place. I can't explain alot of. Some of it is that he challenges me to think about everything I say and do. He questions me and pushes my buttons. He seems to understand parts of me that few people do. He is willing to not let me get away with crappy excuses. We could talk about random stuff and we share some life experiences that impact who we are and why we make the choices we do. And through it all, he puts up this wall. And I don't know what is behind it, but I know that he keeps it from me. And as he pushes me away, I wonder if it is that we are too much alike. I think that my obsession is because I think I can get to him like no one else can. I think I believe that I can save him from himself. I believe that I can be the one to make him grow up. It's silly and it's stupid to think you can be the one to change a boy that is not ready or willing to change. But I kinda do. But as I sit here I realize that he is not all I want. And while it may be the first time I say it out loud to myself, I am unlike to continue to believe it (I will probably deny it tomorrow). But the wrong guy at the wrong time or the right time is still the wrong guy. And my head may know he is the wrong guy, but my heart is still trying to catch up. I hope it does, and soon, because I really can't cry about him anymore. I don't want to cry for him anymore.

But on a different note -

For now I will leave you with some words that have made me think recently....


--'A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever'--Dave Matthews

--'There are only three things a girl needs in life. Boys, to make her weak. Alcohol, to make her strong. And good friends, to pick her up when they both make her hit the floor'

--No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

--"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back, even though you hung up on him, who thinks you are perfect even though he knows the worst things about you, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup, one who is constantly reminding you of how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you. And the one who turns to his friends and says 'That's her'."


I know..I know...

Just by chance

Today has been a day that I have pondered if what happens to us on a daily basis is just pure chance or if it is meant to be.

I am starting to strongly believe that coicidence is life's way of pointing out the obvious. I once asked for signs to do things and when I got them I was freaked about by it, so I quit asking for signs.

But now they come, even when I don't ask for them. And if things work out in the end, I might as well just take the risk and believe that it is for the best. And if it's not, then I will be given a chance again. But if I am not, then I am strong enough of a person to make the best of it.

Regardless, I am what I make of the cards that life hands me. I make the choice to live the way I do. And I take responsibility for my choices and my actions. And I will not let a random wind knock me down. I will fight for what I want and I will create my own luck and my own chances.

slippery slope

in ethics, we talk about a slippery slope in the sense of: when you make an exception or allow one thing to happen for X reason, then what keeps you from continuing to make exceptions and allowing more of the same, w/ progressively worse consequences, for X reason.
So I am falling quickly down a slippery slope. At first I only talked to one person about it. then I talked to a few more (but that was ok b/c they were don't like here[exception]). But now, I seem to talk more and more about it and I can't seem to stop. AHHH! I could quite possibly be near saying something really stupid or hurtful if I can't keep my mouth shut. And I really don't want people to figure out how I really feel about this person, b/c it won't be good for anyone. I need to learn how to be honest and quite blowing things out of proportion and taking responsibility for my actions and my feelings. wish me luck.

I got internet

finally, after an entire month (or two years, depending on the definition you use) I have internet in my little room!!

Unfortunately now I have no excuses for not posting.
And apparently the last thing I wrote never got posted and I never saved it, oh, well.

Another piece of good news: I just booked a flight to go home for 45 days!!

things are starting to look up.

Cheater

I was told, once again, that I should update my blog. And, ever so obliging, I did. But before that I wanted to read my friends' blogs, to see how much I had missed out on. And to my surprise, not much. The one who explictly said I needed to write more and not something depressing, copied her last two entries from someone else. How is that fair? I am expected to come up with positive, creative pieces for the entertainment of my friends, yet, they, copy and paste their entries.

So, let's be honest, I am not creative to begin with, so it's hard for me to write. So the next time that I am told to write more often, I just hope they can keep up.

:P