the little box

I watched something about risk-takers on tv last night. They talked about how risks were necessary and vital to life. But there are all different kinds of risk-takers. There are the ones that have no regard for their physical well-being by jumping off buildings and then there are those that face death in order to do their job: firefighters, policemen, fishermen, etc. They like the adrenaline, they thrive in changing environments and fuel themselves with the unknown. However, outside of their specific way to take risks, they are actually quite cautious. For example, one guy was driving "like a grandma" on his way to jump off the some building. His reasoning was that on his way to his jump he would likely see 2 or 3 accidents with someone seriously injured, and that was scarier to him than taking the huge risk of jumping off a building. In a way we all compartmentalize our lives (some more than others). There are places were we are willing to take risks and there are other times in life where we stand firm and won't take a chance.

We admire each other for going out-side the box and doing things that we think we could never imagine doing. We have a firm belief in the way we are programmed, that the wiring is permanent and could never be changed. At least I do. And sometimes, I use it as an excuse. The description given about risk-takers was people who loved change. The one thing that I have yet to get accustomed to is change. By that definition, I am no risk-taker. On the other hand, I think we all have a desire to push our limits, to be more than what we see ourselves as. Yeah, to be corny, to be outside the nice little neat box that we have created out of our lives. Facing change isn't easy, it isn't supposed to be and we can all agree it's something everyone has to face. Fine. Part of change is growing up and taking new responsibilities. Fine. Gotta do it at some point. But the fact remains, I don't really want to change that much. Not because it's uncomfortably or scary (although, that does play a part), but because I don't want to lose what I like about myself. Over the years I have been able to look in the mirror and really, truly like myself. Sure there are things that could be better and could use some maturing, but the core of who I am, how I think, how I feel, I don't want to give it up. I don't want to hide me, even with all my faults.

The question I have been trying to figure out the answer to since I got here...how much am I willing to change for this (this job, this career, this life)? I can't explain why it feels like a compromise, I don't know why this is so hard.

I get it that I am not the only one that is scared to make a mistake and to feel like what if I'm not good enough. That's normal. Been there, done that. I get it, really. But how do I fit my nice little box of life into what's expected of me without losing myself? Why is that my big concern? Because I have been disappointed in myself when I do some of the things that I have done in the past 2.5 years because I have been caught up in this life. I don't want to live a life where I am disappointed in myself, but I also don't want to live a life where I ask myself everyday "what if." I can rise to the academic challenge only because that is actually the easiest one to do. I've just been to lazy to do so only because I know that once this isn't holding me back anymore, I have to face making harder decisions. It's easier to do nothing, be passive, and let things happen to you, and blame something else, than actually working hard and failing.

my battle

These last few months have left me thinking really hard about my future. The time has come to make a commitment about my career and start looking for the "next place." Though in my heart I have know, for a while, that I want to become a surgeon, my biggest struggle has been to accept that I can actually do it. I have a great fear that I won't be good enough. Where that fear is founded, I'm not sure, but it's there and I have had a tough time trying to get over it. I haven't been really able to talk about it because I feel that it's repetitive and that I am just being too dramatic.

The thing is that it is the only thing on my mind is what the hell am I going to do about wanting to be a surgeon. Dear lord, it is the scariest thing in the entire world. Wanting to be a surgeon scares me more than when I moved here. It scares me because what if I am wrong. What if I fail? What if I'm not good? What if I can't do it? AHHHH!! Seriously, I wish I could feel that someone understood. I wish that I could eloquently articulate my fears and I wish I knew what I wanted to hear. When I came to New York I felt like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Ok, maybe that's not exactly true. I was scared like nobody's business. I was at the top of my game at the end of college and was academically ready to move on to bigger and better things. Maybe, I wasn't that ready personally and emotionally, but, whatever, I was going to do it anyways. And this place was it. It was the place to grow up, to find myself, to find my future, to build on my hard work. But like I have said many times before, that hasn't gone so well in my eyes. I feel broken, I feel out-of-control, I feel confused.

I hear that growing up is painful and it happens whether or not you want it to happen. So fine, I'll accept that I've grown, blah, blah, blah. Other than the fact that this sucks, is that it doesn't make me feel any stronger or more insightful about what the hell I am going to do about wanting to be a surgeon. One of my best friends told me, "if you aren't working to be a great surgeon, why are you there at all?" It has her attempt to shock me into seeing how silly I was being and it worked for 0.002 seconds. Telling me that things are going to be fine or telling me that if I am not going to work hard enough then to just give up or telling me that sometimes you can't have what you want....yeah, none of those things help.

We talked about my fears and why I just didn't do something real about it. She then went on to tell me that I what I really needed was real help. And that knowing me, I wasn't one to ask for help. We all know she's right. Her next question was interesting...she asked, "what is more important to you, your pride or your self-confidence?" To me that sounded like-if you want to regain your self-confidence and work on those things that scare you, then you need to ask for help. But your pride is getting in the way, so you need to make decision about setting your pride aside for a while and get some help. Half a heart beat later I said, "my pride." That's me. That was me before I got here and it's all I got left. A part of me says that if I let go of my pride and don't try to do this alone, then I'll have lost all that remains of who I was. Another part of me says that pride is bad and that is the last thing that needs to go before I can really grow up and start to make real changes and embrace the new things in my life.

So that's it...I think I want to be a surgeon, but it scares me!! A lot. Mostly because I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life. And I can't look at people I don't know in the eye and say I want to be a surgeon. It's easy to say it when I'm surrounded by people who love me and support me, but it's another thing to say it to strangers. They say the same things...are you sure? can you live that kind of lifestyle? what happens when you want to have a family, kids? can you go on such little sleep? can you work with that type of personality? And my friends say kidding...it was nice knowing you, we will miss you. you are going to be living in a different world than the rest of us. And it goes on and on. The doubts, about me, about my choices, about the future. My doubts. My battle, my struggle, to understand myself, to understand who I am, and who I want to be, is mostly to be ok with all of those things.

I can't imagine

It's close to valentine's day, so love is on everyone's mind. I am no exception. Problem is that didn't realized that I have created a great big wall around my heart. I can't tell you whether or not the wall is so strong that it will never come tumbling down. It may be so fragile that as soon as someone lays hands on it, it could break forever. But I don't know if I could ever find out. I realize tonight that I just won't let anyone near or do I want to. Call me bitter, call me jaded, call me naive, call me unexperienced, call me dramatic, call me any of those and you would be right. But that is my truth.

I found out tonight that my madrina (my mother's best friend, a woman so essential in my life that I treasure her like my own mother. a woman that became my friend, whom I confide in, someone who has been there since I was born, through all of my secrets and all of my success) is now dating the man that broke her heart. If I were someone else, I would think it was a fairy tale, a dream come true, an opportunity to finally find happiness. But I'm me, and I can't help but be so surprised and a little disappointed.

The story is a familiar one to me. There once was this woman and she fell in love with a man. And they were in love and they were happy. Problem is he was married. But that didn't matter, their love was bigger than his marriage. But he had responsibilities, so he couldn't divorce his wife. And then she got pregnant, and things were still ok, they love was big enough. That is until his wife found out and he had a change of heart. And the child was born. She had so many friends and a loving family that her and her baby made a life for themselves. But she still loved that man. He wasn't the best father to her baby girl, but he "tried." And at some point they started dating again, and yes, he was still married. And once again, he couldn't leave his wife. And they split up again. All this time, the baby girl, grew up into a not-so-baby girl. That baby girl couldn't help but feel betrayed and hurt. It's hard to tell your mom that her life hurts you, because that would kill her. And you want your mom to be happy and find love, but you can't help what you feel.

Now the man finally divorced his wife and the man and the woman are together. Do they deserve to be happy? Yes. Together? Sure, why not. But at what price? I don't understand her. I wish I could, I really do. How could she still love him? After all the pain, after not unconditionally showing his love for her daughter, how can she still love him? She deserves to be happy, she deserves the best in the world, and I want to support her and be truly happy for her, but I can't. Everyone doubts it. Everyone but her. She loves him. And you can't help what you feel.

Her story is the one of so many of the women in my life. But their friendship has survived it all. They have raised their daughters, they have made a life for themselves. They have taught us to value family, education, and, above all, ourselves. They have taught us to stand on our own two feet and fight for what we believe in. They have been our strength, our inspiration, our everything. We are who we are because of these amazing women. But I just don't understand how they could still love those men who left them. I wouldn't change it, because then I wouldn't be who I am and have the life I have. However, I would change the ending and give them a partner who would value them, treasure them, and make them happy.

I don't understand. I can't imagine it. Being in love like that. I have seen different. It's out there, but why can't it be for them. I told my mom the biggest obstacle would be for him to win over his daughter. She is the one who will doubt him the most. I said that daughters also want to protect their mothers. Daughters can actually see the pain, see the tears, and see the sparkle and the smile. Just like moms have a sixth sense about their daughters, sometimes daughters also can develop that special ability to do the same with their mothers. And while it might be ok for all the pain in the world to be bestowed on you, it's not ok when it happens to the people you love. And for a daughter, it hurts to see your mom be hurt over and over again by the same person, who also hurt you.

My mom is a good friend and she told her she was happy for her. She tried to explain to my madrina's family that my madrina deserves an opportunity to be happy and they should let her try. With me, she cried, and said that she only hoped he could treat like she deserved to be treated. I told my mom that friends aren't there to protect people from being hurt. Friends are there to be a foundation to stand on and face your greatest fears, they are there to cry with you and celebrate with you, and help put the pieces back together. I told her she did a good thing. I don't know if I believe that.

And here I am, crying because I am afraid she is going to get hurt again. I am afraid of what this could do to her daughter, only because I could only imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes. That is probably why I won't make the effort to talk to my dad. I don't want him to come near my mother because I believe she still loves him. And he has been gone for too long. And I can't trust him, I won't trust him. That's a fact. I'm not a bigger person, I can't forgive him. And I won't let it happen to me. I don't know what the price of love is. But this can't be it.