12 years ago

This is sad, so if you don't want to cry and think about death just stop now.

Every year it catches me off guard and I am not sure I can explain why because it's not like I don't think about it all the time. And this year was no different. I always seem so caught up in things that I don't notice what is going on right in front of my face. So, just a few minutes ago I figured out why my mom has been so sad lately and why I could hear tears in her voice today. I realized that 12 years ago my grandmother died.

I remember the day ever so clearly. It was a moment that changed my life forever. And I don't get it why I forget every year. All year I think about it, but for some reason, during those day immediate preceeding my memory just fails me, and then it just hits me all of a sudden. I don't even know where to begin to sort out all the emotions I feel right now. Her picture is the only one right next to my bed, and it has been that way for years. It all comes back to me all at once. I wish I could tell the story in a way so that people could understand how much she has made a difference in my life and how there will always be before and after.

The reality has always been that since I was little she began to get more and more sick. The older I grew, the worse her Alzheimer's became. Sometimes she knew I was her grand-daughter, but most of the time she didn't. She almost never knew my mother or any of her other children for that matter. And there came in a point in my life when her illness was so bad that my mom had to give up her entire career to take care of her full-time in Mexico. Since she wanted the best for me, my mom sent me to live with my Tia in Texas. So for most of my school up until 6th grade, my mom and I lived in separate places. We saw each other during all of the school breaks (summer, christmas, spring break) and any time my Tia could afford to drive me down to see her.

And that was my life. When I was with my mom, I helped around the house and to take care of my grandmother. It was not easy. To see a person that you love waste away before your very eyes is painful. But it wasn't physical wasting, it was much worse. She became a someone who no longer could take care of herself in the little ways like eating, sleeping, showering, etc. She couldn't tell right from wrong or good from bad or pain or anything. And I helped take care of her. Me, the little kid that did nothing for herself ever, helped take care of her. I helped feed her and bathe her and keep watch over her at night. And I would hold her hand when we went out to public places (which became less and less often) so she wouldn't run away and get lost. I would run after her if she ever left the house. I would sit with her in front of the TV and just keep her company. She would watch me from the window whenever I was allowed to play outside. She would play with my hair and ask me lots of questions. She had this joke about my dad that she used to tell me when she saw me. We couldn't explain how she remembered that small piece of information, but she did. I may have never had her watch over me or babysit me or make me cookies or hand me down receipes, but she was such a big part of my life. And I watched how my mother gave up everything to make sure her mother was taken care of.

And when she died, it was the most painful thing I have ever felt because I my mom was so heart broken, she wouldn't even look at me. She probably doesn't remember because it was probably all a big haze for her. But my mom (and her friends) tried her (their) best to protect me from the tragedy. I was not allowed to stay at my house and I was taken from the funeral home every time I was brought to it. I shared my mother's anger toward the majority of her family for abandoning us. She would have never allowed my grandmother out of her sight, but things would have been so much easier if she had had some help. It felt as if her and my Tia took the entire burden, and it just wasn't fair. I wanted them to all go away since they had never come when we needed them. I didn't let anyone near the casket until after my mother and I had done so first. And it is stupid and stubborn, but that was part of my mourning.

It wasn't until my grandmother had passed that my mom and I finally got to be full-time mother and daughter. And that is why I stayed at home for college and why it has been so hard for me to be away from her. My "abue" was our lives. For all three of us. And it shaped the way we saw the world and our family. It shaped (and still shapes) the decisions we make about each other. Every older lady that I see reminds me of her and every Alzheimer's patient that I see or read about also makes me think of her. And even if I never did get to know her and hear her tell me her life story, she taught me that in the midst of all the darkness, love will always shine through.

So, how can you love someone you never knew? You just do. It's in your blood, it's in your soul, it's in their eyes and it's in yours. And there is just something undeniably special about family and when you see unconditional love, it's hard to hide from because it just envelopes you and transforms you.

I might have crossed the line

I think today I quit pretending that I am nice. Inside I felt that I couldn't fake it anymore. I did my best to avoid the person I am not on the best of terms with. Instead of the usual smile and polite conversation, there was actual silence on my part. And when I found myself alone with this person, I didn't talk and found a reason to walk away. The worst thing is that I am actually considering doing something absolutely drastic to get myself out of this situation. And when I told someone what I was thinking of doing, instead of feeling better, I actually think I made things worse. I pushed away my only ally in my attempt to come up with a permanent solution. A solution, that wouldn't actually solve anything, but only make me feel better.

Because, let's be honest, if I actually cared about this person's feelings, I would have said something by now. Instead, I only care about me and I only care about what will make me feel better and not necessarily what will be best of the both of us and the situation as a whole. So, now that I am so over the line, I don't know what to do. I already said something out loud that hurt someone's feelings and I can't change that. I don't know what to do.

I catch myself, even if I do have a conversation with this person, that I am looking from the person to say something to upset me, so I feel justified in my feelings. So I am no longer even trying to pay attention all I am doing is engage in conversation for the sole purpose of finding something else wrong for with this person or just to be polite. I am an awful friend, and pretty close to being a bad human being. If it bothers me so much, but I am not doing anything, am I any better than this person? The choice is: Change the situation or change your attitude? Which is more important? Which one will make the most people happy? Which one is the best? Which one will make me happy? Can I do either one of them? Am I willing to do either one of them?

Rewatched the scene

is it harder to walk away or have someone walk away from you?

If you are the control freak that I am, maybe it hurts more to have someone walk away from you because you have no control over it. While, if you are the control freak and the one walking away, it is your choice. At least it feels proactive.

But neither of the situations makes the pain any less.

So I understand if he is scared to come back into my life for fear that I will walk away. And I can understand that he might not want to hear that I don't need him and that I have been ok without him. Actually, I have been more than ok. And maybe that hurts him even more. But I can't change what has happened in the past. I can't undo what has been done. I can't even change my feelings. I can barely be ok with the fact that I miss him. And here is where the tricky part is...I want him to be a part of my life. Why? Because, in the end, I love him. I love him because he is a part of me that I don't want to hide, a part of me that I can live without, but I don't want to.

yes, there are plenty of people in the world that never see their father. There are many men in the world that are just bad fathers, bad men, bad human beings. And they have children, and their children suffer. I have been blessed that I did not have that exact same experience. And I could blame him or anyone else for the tough stuff that I did have to endure as a kid, that no one should ever have to go through. But I won't.

I won't change the life I have had, because my life has been good. I have had more love in my life than any person could ever hope for. I have the most loving mother in the world who is friends with the some of the most awsome women in the world that have been our support and our strength. I have the best aunt who has given up almost anything to make me happy. And I have been blessed with the best of friends and the given the most wonderful opportunities in the world. So, why is all of that not enough.

The saying goes that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And another says that God won't give you more than you can handle. So I guess that I should be able to handle what comes my way and be a stronger person because of it. Say that I do take that to heart. I am a pretty strong person. I try my best not to dwell on the bad twists and turns that life sends my way. I try not to ponder on my life story as one that has been filled with trials and tribulations, but rather one that has been filled with happiness and adventures and lessons and my fair share of up and downs. You deal with what you are given and make the best of it. Sometimes you do a "good" job and other times you don't. But as long as you try your best, that is all you can really do.

So, why is not enough? Why do I have to ask myself as I go to sleep at night, why won't my dad talk to me? If I could just say, he's a man that is incapable of love. If I could convience myself that he is a bad man, unworthy of my time. If I could just believe it. But I can't. Because when I look at the pictures of when I was a little kid, he is by my side. He plays with me as if he enjoys it.

He always spoke to me with the truth. For as long as I could remember. There wasn't a sugar coating on what I was told. If I asked the tough questions, I was given the answers. Sure, you can't tell a 5 year old the same thing as a 15 year old, but I never felt like I didn't know what was going on around me. I wasn't a secret. His familiy wasn't a secret. I grew up knowing that my mom and dad and I were not your typical family. But we were happy. And when we were no longer together, they were both still a part of my life. He still came, even after he stopped seeing my mom. He still came around and made the effort. It wasn't the same, he was there.

So is it worse to be there and not a big part and not be there at all? Once again, I would not change my past because I would not be who I am. But I can make choices about my future. The problem is that this isn't just my choice. I don't want to force him to be a part of my life and I don't want him to feel like he has to prove that he loves me. What I do want is to know that he still loves me.

I can't believe that you can stopping loving a child that you took the time to be a part of their life. I can't believe that you can stop loving a part of your life. I can't believe that the man who I grew up loving, my very own father, has stopped loving me. I won't accept that he gets to make the choice to walk out without an explaination.

Dads

I try not to think about mine too much because it usually makes me sad. I have seen my fair share of good dads. Most of my friends are lucky enough to have them. They are the ones that fix things around the house, or make the phone calls to have people come fix things around the house. They are the ones that pretend to make boys nervous, if they were ever to come around the house. They make your friends laugh and tell really corny jokes. They make your mom feel safe and let you know in their own way that they love you. You know that if you ever get lost or in a great big problem, you can call them and they will be by your side. They are the ones that walk you down the isle whenever you decide to make your very own family. They give you advice and hold you. And even if they don't do any of that other stuff, you know that they love you because if you ever were to say, "I love you, dad," they would respond, "I love you too." And that makes me happy, but every once in a while, in the usualy fashion, I think of what has happened to me.

So, after a very brief episode of only thinking about how I have not spoken to him since I was 15, I decided to ignore any and all feeling related to him. That worked really well for a total of one week. Not bad, if I say so myself. But today I had no choice. I thought about him and how he won't speak to me.

Ok, so I was watching the taped version of Grey's Anatomy. All was good and I was thinking about the really hot man that was a guest star and about how much of a jerk he was and how cute I thought he was (blah, blah, blah). Then scene that made me turn away and think of my dad was when Meredith goes to her father's house, whom she has not spoken to in years.
When he opened the door, she asked, "Why didn't you stay and fight for us?'
He responds, "I did."
"Why didn't you fight harder." No answer.
"Is there anything you need from me. Anything at all," he finally says to her.
She says, "I don't need anything from you." And walks away.

That is pretty much how I feel my whole situation turns out. I don't understand how if he loved my mom and I so much, why he didn't stay and fight. I get the fact that he had another family, but I don't know how much he fought for them either. If he quit loving my mother, did he stop loving me as well. And if he didn't want to fight for me, why did he ever plan a life for me? Why did he choose to stay in my life for such a long time? Why make the effor after he had left my mother? Why make me think that he wanted to be a part of my life, if one day he just was going to decide to give up on me and being a part of my life? I don't get it.

I want to know why he stopped fighting for me. Why did he give up on me? I am his daughter, I know he won't deny it, so why decide one day to walk out, walk away and never turn back?

So, I have lots of questions and not many answers. Sure, the best way to get answers is to ask the questions, but that would require me to talk to him. Problem with that is that I inherited his great big ego, which means that I am quite unlikely to be the first one to talk, especially when I don't think I did anything wrong. So, how do I swallow my pride and get the questions to my answers.

Passive-Aggressive.

I have known for a really long time that I am quite possibly one of the most passive-aggressive people that I know. And, most of the time, I let my bitterness sit and ferment and release it in low doses, so that I have my own personal and private satisfaction. Will I ever say any of it out loud? No. Why not? Who knows.

Point being that I might have just encountered a situation where my passive-aggressiveness is bordering on me being a two faced bitch. I feel conflicted about how to deal with a person I don't enjoy being around anymore. I have let all these little ity-bity insignificant things pile up inside of me. Now, anytime I am in the presence of this person, I can't help but be miserable on the inside, and make every attempt to hide it on the outside. When I am not with this person, I try to think of ways to make distance between the two of us and try to keep our interaction down to a minimum. Problem is I sort of feel bad because I thought of this person as a close friend. So, how am I supposed to resolve me feelings?

On the one hand, we are friends and supposed to feel comfortable talking with each other. And, not too long ago, I enjoyed spending time in this person's presence.

On the other hand, all those things I dislike are increasing enough that I don't actually know if I want to be that close of friends with this person. Problem is there is quite possibly no way this person knows how I feel. And if they do, they don't care enough to do anything about it. Meaning that I don't care enough to do something about it. Yet, I torture myself daily about it.

I used to only talk to one person about it, but unfortunately now I let my frustration slip and started talking more and more about it. So, now I am at a point where if I don't say anything, I am not a responsible friend anymore. The problem, I fear, is that I see no solution. If I were to speak up and confront this person, no good could come of it, except a screaming match (which is what I imagine, or kinda feel like doing, even though, I try to keep the screaming down to a minimum in my life) or the silent treatment for which I am notorious.

Am I willing to lose a friend, whose personality, basic principles, and view of the world I am starting to dislike, just because I am too self-involved to say anything? I am a firm believer that you become friends because you see and appreciate the virtues in other people, and you stay friends because you see and recognize flaws and love in spite of them. What if you can't love in-spite of?

How far are you supposed to go for friendship? When is the point when the flaws out-weigh the virtues? Are you a bad friend if you give up on friendship?

What if I am the problem?

When will I get the memo?

Seriously, one of these days I am going to have to pay more attention to what is going on around me. I may have failed this quiz simply because I did not do the online quizzes. Something is totally wrong with me.
Regardless, I got a beautiful Mac yesterday that I am going to get to know very well over the weekend. It is my very own computer and now I may actually do my homework and do my classwork ahead of time and maybe even study. Who knows, it could be a whole new world now.
And to make me even happier, I am getting cable. I think my life is complete.

Post V-Day

This weeks is quite possibly one of the most exausting and dreaded weeks that I have had. My uterus responded to its regular cycle of estrogen and progesterone (studying for a reproductive and endocrine test tomorrow), and inflicted pain on Sunday and Monday, enough so that I did not want to get out of bed or stay awake. But with enough meds and sleep, I eventually conquered. Whatever, it happens every month, not a big deal. Then yesterday, I was hung up on by a very rude employee at my favorite restaurant after they screwed up my order twice. I was not very happy with them. Actually, I was fuming with anger. Eventually I got somme dinner and was distracted the rest of the evening.

So what this means is that I did not get as much studying done on Monday or Tuesday (which is my fault for not studying earlier.)

On Valentine's day, I did spend it with the girls and I wore the traditional black. We talked about boys, drank wine and watched the winter Olympics. I probably should have gone back to my room to study, but that would have been too logical. Oh, and I broke a nail, low enough that it hurts.

This morning, I had an accident in my backpack (a big spill) that half ruined my notes for the rest of the week and got my neuro stuff dirty. Usually not a big deal, except today I am actually going to use them, for the first time in months. Then, according to the online tracking, my computer was supposed to have been delivered yesterday, i have not yet received. Which upsets me, because I want to play this weekend. And to top things off, I have to spend my afternoon at the hospital learning the physical exam.

Result: I won't be able to sleep tonight because I am going to be stressing about this stupid test, which if I don't pass, I am in huge danger of failing this class!! Yes, it is my fault. yes, all I am doing is bitching. And yes, complaining and whining is going to get me nowhere.

Deep thoughts

or lack of.

As I was reading my best friend's blog I realized that I don't think about God or faith the way I used to. I don't think about how much I miss going to church or doing all those good things for other people. I don't volunteer as much as I used to and I don't help people like I used to. I gave a tour today to applicants and realized that I am not the same person that I was when they accepted me. I just feel that instead of holding on to those things that made me special and unique enough to get accepted to a good medical school are all not as important in my life as they used to be. I knew that I would never be as smart as the people here, but I convienced myself that I belonged because I possessed traits that were equally important. But now, its like I have myself be consumed by petty things.

Request Fulfilled

I was asked last night to update my blog more often. So, here I am. Though, some days I have great epiphanies and want nothing more than to share them with the whole world, today is not one of those days.

In about half an hour away I will be attending a meeting about what my schedule is going to be like next year. It will be the first time when attending lectures and labs will be second to seeing and caring for patients. Kinda scary that in a few months I will put on my white coat and enter the hospital to participate in the actual care of sick patients. I don't think I have the mental capacity at this point in the night to even know how I feel about that.

Today, I also finished filling out an online application for the USMLE Step 1 Exam. It's like the SAT or MCAT. A big test that I will have to score well on and put as part of my application for Residencies. The problem I face now is that I have never applied to anything my entire life without a good GPA, so I have never had to worry about my standardized scores. Things are different now.

It was always my belief that standardized scores don't reflect our knowledge nor are they an indicator of your performance on a day to day basis. And I still believe that, but, now, I not-so-secretly hope that I do well on this exam, so that I can get a good Residency program and get good training.

They say that the first two years of medical school don't matter. But they matter to me. Apparently not enough to change my study habits, but enough to stress me out. Regardless, I am definately on the upswing of emotions about whether or not I will make a good doctor. It seems that the more that I practice asking questions and the more that I see signs and symptoms, the more that things are coming together. My biggest problem is that it is coming together much more slowly for me than for everyone else. But this is not my pity party (really, its not, I could do worse than this).

Emotions suck

I don't like them. They confuse me and make me think. I don't like to think. So, what do I do now? Suck it up! So much easier to deal with life when I don't acknowledge my feelings. I will have them, I just won't bother trying to figure them out. At least not this weekend, while I am moving.

15 minutes later

I realized I am full of crap. In my vague attempt to rationalize and psychoanalyze myself, I came up with a theory full of crap. Oh, well. At least I felt ok for like 5 minutes.

Freud should not be let anywhere near me.

Treat the underlying disorder

One of the things they teach at us at school, that I have actually picked up on, is that you should always figure out the big problem. Sure you can treat the symptoms, but the disease won't go away until you figure out what is causing it. Sometimes, the disease is masked by all the symptoms that arise and if you aren't focused, you won't find the source and the problem won't go away. It is amazing to see that if you directly treat the source of the disorder, all those other symptoms will go away on their own or a lot more easily.

If epiphanies exist, I got one this morning. It's kinda one of those big picture things. I saw it once and it really helped to focus me (but because I am who I am, I promptly forgot), and I saw it again today.

From the beginning:
Since this Christmas when my brother came to see me, I have been quite preoccupied with this whole "I haven't talked to my dad since I was 15 issue." Sure, it's one of those facts of my life that I just deal with and it's always there, but there isn't much to do about it.

Those who have spent any prolonged period of time in my life, know that around this time of year, I am just not a happy person. And it usually has to do with increased time spent thinking about my dad. + other stuff
Unfortunatly, these preoccupations were starting to keep me up at night; since sleep is my favorite thing to do, anything that disrupts it: NOT GOOD.

Tramatizing event:
I had a dream that really freaked me out on Tuesday afternoon. It was about a boy whom I have been trying to get over, but have recently had a relapse (see other posting). Couldn't get this boy out of my mind.

Solution:
Take a day off of school. I slept in and did some errands and had some time alone to think. No resolution.

Epiphany:
After the first good night of sleep in a long time, I was in class and I remembered something I said last year, in like April.

He reminds me of my brother, who reminds me of my father.

And, then, it made some sense to me. Weird, right? (Chances are the two are unrelated, but I will pretty much believe anything right now that makes me feel better.) So the reasoning now is: This boy has all those annoying qualities that my brother possesses (that I believe he gets because he is my dad's son). When I talk to him, it makes me happy, but I think it is the feel safe happy. Yeah, I giggle and smile and act silly, because let's be honest, I'm a girl and he really isn't my brother. Point being: this recent relaspse doesn't mean that I am again falling for this boy. I kinda see it as me looking for my dad, where he isn't. Alright, not airtight reasoning, but it makes me feel better.

Connection:
If I can resolve (or quite thinking about) the issues with my dad, it will be easier to deal with my feelings for this boy.
And I think I can convience myself to think of him as my brother. First, I really do care that we remain friends. Not in the "I will love him from afar and always be there just in case" kinda friends. But, the "let's hang out and share some good times and if I need help, I can call you and if you need help, you can call me, but we don't have to talk every day or every week," kinda friend.

Side Note:
I think he has a girlfriend, but he won't tell me (or talk about it for that matter), and it doesn't break my heart.

I am going to be ok with this. It will not break me. It will be ok.

so, i decided to pull this after only being up for one day, and today I want it to go up again.
Difference being that now post-VDay, I am ok and I was OK yesterday, but the good kind of ok, not the ok that you tell your friends so that they don't openly worry about you.