Reasons why I may fail this semster

1. Watching too much baseball
2. Watching Grey's Anatomy on Sunday nights, instead of studying.
3. Obsessing about boys.
4. Drinking too much on Fridays.
5. Sleeping all day Saturdays.
6. Napping on Sundays.
7. Napping during the week.
8. Procrastinating
9. Being a silly girl with nothing better to do than create drama in her life.

FYI

I have no real thoughts about anything that may matter to absolutely anyone else in the world, except for me. I have this really funny habit of being completely self-centered and honestly believing the world revolves around me. Just though I should state that clearly.

Writing

I don't like to write because I feel that once my thoughts are in writing, I have no control over how they are interpreted, where they go, and who will be a witness to their existence. At least when I speak my thoughts, I get to decide who hears them, I can adjust their delivery, and explain myself, if the occasion calls for it.

So I wonder how it is that poets and song writers can let the writing of their thoughts be their way of life. It's like little pieces of their soul are out on display for the whole world to do with as they please. Today I was witness to singers, song-writers and musicians, letting people take a peak into their worlds. I was amazed at their willingness to be watched and to perform. And I envy them because I would love to be able to stand in front of people and have them see me and understand how they see me. But I can't because I have no idea who I am and what I believe anymore.

So why do I write if I am so afraid? I write because I am overwhelmed and I don't know how else to explain it. I figure that if I can purge myself of these thoughts, then maybe they will resolve. Let's be honest, when I need the most help, I am not likely to ask for it. Because, let's face it, even if I asked for help, point-blank, and someone offered to help me, I still would refuse to take it (yes, even though I asked for it). When I feel this way, I hide because 1. I don't want this to be anyone else's problem, even if they are willing to help. 2. Most people who know me, don't know me to be pessimistic, and I don't want to change that. 3. The drama queen in me can't help but love the idea of suffering alone. 4. This has become the best way to procrastinate.

There is a whirlwind around me today. And today may be the day that I need to hide from this world that has consumed me and face those that I have been ignoring for so long.

Broken Heart

Ever had your heart broken by 20+ men at the same time. Kinda hard right, but nevertheless, possible. It happened to me three times within the last week, only the last one was the worst. It is hard being so emotionally invested in something you have no control over. And one should, as a rule, not do stupid things like that. But, that's the risk you run, when you are fighting being broken. Instead of using the energy I do have to get my life on a path that could be better, I isolate myself and find other places to put all my emotional strength.

So not only did my dear Astros lose the World Series, they were swept. The first loss, not so bad, I could deal. But after that, they just took my heart and broke it over and over again. I can never have those countless hours of watching them play back. I don't think, I do. But I would have liked to see them fight with that fire in their eyes that only they had from back when they were the worst team in the league.

It's like I used their energy to feed my own. They did good, I did good. They loss, I didn't do so good. And all the time, they made me feel close to home, like in the old days, when I watched over half their games season after season, watched them become NL Central Division Champions, and then lose to the Atlanta Braves, over and over again. And I finally got to see them win again. And they brought me closer to the home that I have lost forever, but now they are gone, and so I fall.

And I fall because I am tired of fighting, and trying to understand, and trying to be better and trying to move on and accept the changes that life brings. And it's worse than last year, even though I have fought harder. I feel like I don't cry enough, even though everything makes me cry. And now, what used to not phase me any, makes me cry, makes me want to run away, makes me angry, makes me bitter, makes me sad. But I, don't have a choice anymore. I won't quit, because I would hate myself, and I can't do that and hate the world at the same time. I can't promise that I will be positive or make any attempt to change my attitude. All I can do right now, is not quit.

And there is my truth. Told you I couldn't keep my own secrets.

Neon signs

I have an ever changing theory on big neon signs.

The biggest problem with big neon signs is that someone always feels like an idiot. Meaning that if you had to create "the sign" and be so bold and blunt, several not so awsome things could happen: the person you made "the sign" for feels stupid for not having picked up on it at first. or that person is in the awkard position to have to tell you (without a way around it) that actually, they had picked up on the signs but weren't interested [makes you wonder how you missed those signs].

So, let's be honest. The only kind of signs we like are the ones that say what we want. It's not so true, all the time, that we can handle the truth (at least not right away). Sure, the truth is always to much better than wondering what the heck another person is thinking. So, why is it so hard to be honest? Could it be because being honest requires trust, and trusting people means that all of a sudden you don't have complete control over your emotions or reactions, and giving up a little bit of control means that now you have a foundation to form relationships with people that could potentially hurt you?

Point being: The truth hurts sometimes, and no matter which way you look at it or want to interpret it: the truth is merely a fact that exists with or without your knowledge or approval. And you gotta accept that sometimes for nothing more or nothing less than that.

Running away

Ever looked back to realize that you are so far from where you started and that the last 8 weeks of your life have been such a whirlwind that you don't even know when the running started.

When I first came here I swore upside-down and backwards that I would never let this place change who I was or change all those particularly special things about me that make me different from all of my classmates. Yet, the past 14 months have been filled with nothing but a struggle to hold on to those things that define who I am. But instead of holding fast to the things nearest to me, I find that the life I now lead, has broken me, so that I can hold on to only the theory of holding on to my past life. It seems even more difficult to put into words than I expected.

Wondering about change, I ask myself again, if I have truely changed or if the circumstnaces of my life have led me to accentuate personality traits that have been hidden, yet ever-present, in my life.

On the other hand, could what I am feeling be a simple consequence of my wanting to shut the world out? So when I first came, it was acceptable to feel lonely and to want to go home and to feel overwhelmed. But as time passed, things got better. Or at least it felt like they were getting better. And thing things took an unexpected turn. Home wasn't what it used to be and people were growing up and moving away. Then I had to come back. But things here were different too. It's like people went away and found something to word towards or discovered why they choose this life. Others stayed and worked towards a goal that now seemed more attainable. Everyone grew apart as a whole, while small groups of people grew closer together. It has different, we had all changed.

So, unfortunately, I am not the same person stuggling, that I was a year ago. I am much less optimistic, less patient, and more bitter. Yes, the baseline of those is not that over normal people, but I have never claimed to be normal. Why all of a sudden a purging of emotion and thoughts? Simply because sometimes fear keeps things locked away and in brief moments of lucidity, you have to say all you can before it gets locked up again.

A little bit of pain

is good for everyone. But how much of the pain we suffer is self-inflicted or self-propagated?

Sunday night studying

Eyes and ears.
They see and hear.
They're connected in more ways than one.
When you think about it, it's all upside down, crossed over multiple times, and integrated, processed, and somehow, its supposed to make sense.
The wonders of how our external environment is taken in, processed, and brought to our attention.

What you see is what you want to see. There is so much more there, you just gotta pay attention and focus, all the while being careful not to focus too much on one thing.

Point being: There are times in our life when the little things in life (details) take up so much of our attention, that we forget the point. And then, sometimes, there isn't a point (no matter how much we try to come up with one.)

Yet, you can't quit: learning, trying, changing.

A boy said today...

"We look and look around, and we don't really see all that is there."

Deep!!

but not really, because it was in reference to acutal visual fields and he looked at me weird when i wrote down his quote.

Talking circles

Every once in a while I have the incredible misfortune to do bravely stupid things. My impulses have gotten me into unfortunate situations, that I usually don't have consequences to deal with, because I have the best luck in the world. And, not too often, I make the conscious decision to go through all the drama that I set myself up for, just because I'm bored.

But, like any coward, when confronted with the situations I create for myself, I put on a smile, change the subject, and talk circles. I address only the issues that I have to, without having to really talk about the things that I create drama over. Vague details, I know. So, you ask, if you don't want to come out and say what the heck you are talking about, why even bother to talk about. Quick answer: I don't know. I like to talk circles. But I feel better, though.

Vision

We are learning the neuronal pathways that lead to vision. By Monday I will be able to tell you a little bit about how your brain "sees" the world. But I'm not going to (because it maybe a little boring to you.)

But what is really on my mind is another kind of vision (hindsight, foresight, etc.)
For example, the cliche goes, "hindsight is 20/20"; it is also said that history repeats itself. So my conclusion is that there are times in our histories where we have to see things coming. I mean, you look back on your mistakes or on awkward situations and you say to yourself, "Self, oh, I see what went wrong," or "I get it now," or "I should not have done that," or "I could have done that this way." Then, we get caught in similar situations and we just happen to forget that we have totally seen it before. This could be because of the "sudden onset" of the situation. Maybe it just happened too fast to think about it or you didn't have time to process it and you went with your first reaction, which was the same one you went with last time (either out of comfort or instinct). So those times are forgiven. They still count as you not being so smart, but everyone has their moments of "passion" and "blindness".

Then, there are other times when you have a "slow, progressive onset." And everything seems to be happening in slow motion. You say to yourself, "Self, I have totally seen this before. I know where this is going. I have a chance to react differently." And yet, you keep going down the same pathway. Or you see things happening and you know exactly what the outcome is going to be, and it's not good, and you don't do anything proactive to change it. In some ways, sticking around long enought to see the event take place is a change, but that doesn't make the outcome any different.

On a different note, but kinda the same subject: have you ever asked a question that you already know the answer to? I have. I usually find people who do that annoying (yes, I am annoying), but I understand why in certain situations, one would do such a thing. This goes back to the "seeing it coming" thing. I want to justify asking questions that I know the answers to by saying that sometimes we need that verbal confirmation. It is good to hear something, even though "it is understood." Sometimes, people are a little dense (specifically, me) and it is better said plainly and clearly, than just assuming it. Also, just because you "know the answer" doesn't mean you are right. Not asking questions you think you know the answer to can lead to A LOT of miscommunication. I think it is better to ask the question to clarify, because being in the dark about something, or taking something for granted, or guessing is not always a good thing.

So what's the point? I don't know.
Maybe: pay attention to what is going on around you.
Possibly: Every once in a while there are big neon signs pointing out stuff to you.
How 'bout: Don't ask for a sign, if you don't want to see it or you are going to ignore it.
OR: There are some things you have to do (like ask questions you know the answer to) because it is good for your sanity. (even though it may be a little selfish on your part to make someone tell you something they haven't already, but if you don't do it, they won't either.)

Rethinking the title

When did I become so pessimistic? I guess some of that could be attributed to my dramatic nature, but, seriously, it all seems doom and gloom when I look back on it. During the past few days I have been thinking about all the meaningful and live altering topics that flood my head everyday, and deciding what to write about. The only problem is not that I am having a difficult time choosing a topic, but that there are no deep and meaningful thought or topics flowing through my mind.

If you were to ask my closest friends, they would tell you up front, that all I talk about is me (so that's not a big surprise.) What I find surprising, however, is the fact that I swear at some point in my life I have had meaningful conversations with people that had nothing to do with me (or med school). But now I have nothing.

For example, the best topic I could come up with for today was: questions your doctor may ask you that you don't even know the answer to. (at least I have a hard time with them) Like, can you tell me what an apple and a horse have in common? Can you count backwards from 100 by 7's? Can you tell me what, "a golden hammer opens an iron door," means? Rapidly alternate hitting your thighs with the palm of your hand and then the back of your hand.. then go faster. Performing poorly on any of these tasks will earn you lower scores on mental status exams (just so you know).

I also have pieces of advice for patients when they go see their doctor.

1. Ask lots of questions. This serves to purposes: it is a doctor's job to give you information, so make sure you get your money's worth. every once in a while, a patient that asks questions will make doctors feel like they are doing their part in educating patients (or you will really annoy them [which is something that should happen at times, just to make sure that doctors don't forget what their job is]).

2. Please be patient. Good doctors like to talk to patients. And sometimes, even good doctors have their hands tied about not being able to spend time with patients and overbooking their day. They are also trying to earn a living. And the money is still good, but it comes at a much steeper cost.

3. If a really young doc comes into see you, don't freak out or tell them that you want to see a "real" doctor. Everyone has to start learning somewhere, and there is always a supervisor, so you really are getting to see real doctors. Plus, the new doctors still may be a bit idealistic about medicine, so cheer them up and cheer them on, on their quest to saving the world.

4. Listen to what the doctor says. They actually have your best interests in mind. And even though, it may seem like they have no idea what they are talking about, they kinda do. You try learning everything about how the body works and all the different things that can go wrong at a time. You get the basics right, but the human body is so far from basic, that it is a life time process.

5. If you ever see a doctor that is a little too overworked: give them a smile and a thank you and I can guarentee you will make their day. Acutally, that is for just about everyone in the whole wide world.

So, on that note, I end. Maybe this big black hole that I have gotten myself into, isn't spinning that much out of control. Maybe I just need a change in perspective (or a nap, and yes, that means at least 90 mins [btw: naps and sleep should be taken in intervals of 90 min because that is how long a sleep cycle is]).

What do you want me to say?

What do you want to hear?

How much of what we say is to ensure that no one gets upset? Do we ever really express our true emotions when asked: how does that make you feel or how do you feel?

Whatever, it's a pointless debate on my behalf because I know I censor just about all of my responses to the appropriate emotional level of the conversation, even though I may feel more (or less) strongly (is that even a word?)

Right now I am having this inner debate about the difference about what I am feeling and what I am thinking. Of course, it's not the same. The worst part happens to be that I am more unsure of what I think than what I feel, but I can't describe how I feel. So when asked how do you feel, I don't have a clue what to say, except for stupid because I am so confused (and stupid overall).


On a different note, it has been forever since I picked up the phone and called my friends. That makes me a not so nice person. Why, you ask? Mostly because I catch myself so caught up in my day to day life, that at the end of the day I just want to sleep. So why don't I make time? Because I am the most irresponsible, thoughtless person ever. Are those my best excuses? yes, but they are not excuses, just really bad reasons.


Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering....it's October...Fall...aka "cold" outside. I can't believe I am going to have to start wearing sweaters again!!! I just barely put them away in May!! And that is all I have to say (censored and all.)