have i mentioned that...

boys are stupid. This one isn't one of mine, but still...
"Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you...even if you know it's somewhere you're not supposed to be."
-which is some place that I should definately be avoiding.

Oh, and I hate when I ask for something and I get it and then I figure out that I was not specific enough when I asked for it!! love cliches: careful what you wish for.

Broken Heart

My heart test is tomorrow, so instead of studying, I am writing. Way to go, me!! I was re-reading some of my old posts, because I have nothing better to do, and it occured to me that only a few things had changed since the last time I talked about my heart.

A friend called today and I whined (big surprise) about my test tomorrow and how I hate the heart and how we don't really need it and we should just take all of them out. Then she says to me, "you are just bitter because your heart is broken." Ouch!! But, I have decided that my heart is not broken. It has only been badly bruised several times, maybe a little tear that could cause some tamponade or some arrhythmias, but not broken. And it is healing slowly. What helped the healing process: I made up with one of the boys. Me showing up to his b-day celebration last week to him meant that I was speaking to him again (which was true) and then he decided to pull me aside and to ask if we were ok and proceeded to tell me how much he "loved me as a friend." (love that line by the way). At least we can now sit in the same small room with 10 other people and I don't have to avoid eye contact. Yesterday, he actually sat next to me and we had a conversation and did a little research together. Even though I still walk into a room and look for him, I at least don't have an overactive emotional reaction every time I see him (it's only every other time now, hehe).

Of course because I have sorta resolved that drama, I have to keep myself busy with something else: the other boy. Won't talk to me, barely even looks my way, and keeps his distance from me. That is something that I would do, so I am not quite sure how to react to it. And it is too hard to find him by himself so that I can talk to him in person, rather than call him on the phone (mostly, because he won't answer my phone calls, i did only try once and did not leave a message). And now it has been one month since I have actually spoken to him, and I think it may be too late to "make up" or for things to go back the way they used to be. Point being, that apparently if I want a guy to quit talking to me, I should kiss them. I guess I did not realize I was that bad of a kisser considering i am 0/2. Well, at least neither one of them have died due to peanut allergies afterwards (http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/conditions/11/28/kiss.death.ap/)

So for now I will focus on....my conference on Saturday, my formal friday night, and finishing the journal by friday morning, AND prep for the conference and the journal between now and then... oh yeah, and my test tomorrow!!
I also think that my dress for the formal may be the equivalent of my prom dress senior year for my self confidence. I may never be the same again. (i think my halloween costume may have been that way too!)

HP

I GET TO GO SEE HARRY POTTER, I AM SOOOO EXCITED!!

My heart

So in school we are learning about the heart and all the things that can go wrong with it and how we could potentially figure out how to make it better while at the same time being careful not to make any new problems. And that exact same philosophy is what I am attempting to apply to my own life and my own heart. I could list all the things that my heart not work properly. Then I could (potentially) outline how to make things better, but then there are the side effects to consider.

Anyways, I just found myself today, again, fairly distracted by the various boys not in my life. Saw both of them today. Only one acknowledged me (because I don't think the other saw me). And my corazoncito went a little crazy. So the one that talks to me, I want to stay away from me and the one I feel I need to talk to won't come near me (then again, that is probably for the best.) Point being....I sometimes hate my heart, and I wish I could fix it without making it worse, but I just don't know if I can (or if I know a healthy way to fix). Pain sucks.

By the way, loved WICKED!! Saw it last night and decided I am only evil because that is how people see me sometimes. I turn against those that have hurt me because I have tried to be true to myself, and how can that be evil? Regardless, life hurts and I am just going to havve to accept that. Hopefully I can have a my own happy ending someday!!

the light

at the end of the tunnel...I can see it...slowly growing larger...yet soooo far away. So this test tomorrow is the third one in two weeks, only to be followed by a two-day final exam on Thursday and Friday. How does one survive weeks like this? Procrastination!! It is almost two a.m. and I am tired and still not done studying, and yet here I am, writing.

I must say that today was a good day to have conversations about boys. No one really seems to understand why I feel the way I do or act the way I do and it's even hard for me to understand. What I do know is that I can't seem to have any control over the situation. Friends tell me that it's ok and as long as I don't close myself off, things will work out the way they need to work out...nicely. Yeah, well, the only problem is that I have a tendancy of closing off. Though, recently, I verbally regurgitate any and all experiences with such urgency that I don't have a chance to run and hide. Point being...one day... even if it is 4.5 years from today....I will get over the stupid boy who pretty much holds a good piece of my heart and doesn't want it.

boys

I am on a roll today!!

Boys will be boys and boys are stupid. And one day I will realize that if they don't get it when you hint at it and they don't get it when you point at it and if they don't get it when you talk about it and when you scream and yell it, then they aren't going to get it. And that is ok. Because maybe, they are not meant to understand it. And what is "it"? Everything, anything.

And the boys that I have recently had drama with, well, I will continue to talk about them for months to come. But I thank them for at least being consistant in their response. That makes it a little easier on me. And they have served different purposes in my life and I hope that I wasn't completely useless in theirs (even if they never remember me).

Every once in a while (aka most of the time), I am even a little more stupid, just because I am unwilling to see what is plainly written in front of me. But I figure, if I want the right boy bad enough, he will come and I will see him and after some fierce fighting with myself I will, accept him (hopefully before he runs away).

There, I said it. happy?!!!

different

Ever wake up one day and just feel different? Ok, so maybe the change was insidious, but the moment of realization was sudden. That's kinda how I feel right now. I have seen all this change going on around me, but I have been unwilling to admit to a lot of it. And today, things are a little different for me. I realize that today I am more vunerable than ever. So much of who I am, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my feelings, and my thoughts are now out there for so many people to see. Not so much because I write in this blog, but because I have allowed so many more people into my life. But they have responded by holding my secrets close to their heart. So no matter how I hurt, one of them is always there. And though, they could hurt me so much more than anyone else in the world, they don't, because we trust each other.

Today, I am more confident of who I am and what I have to do to get what I want. If I have been able to say it before, I never actually felt it. But I hope that today I can see myself as my friends have always seen me. Not to be full of myself (which in the past I have been), but to be better able to respond to those that I want to help in the future.

I want to walk more confidently and talk like I know what I am saying. I want my friends to be proud of who I am and what I do and how I carry myself. And even though I have made some mistakes (a lot recently, nothing new) and my behavior isn't always the most healthy or appropriate, I feel like all those shitty things I do have made me realize that I can do pretty awsome stuff if I just work a little harder. Things may have come a little easier to me in the past, and maybe that's why I quit working and started to think I did not deserve to be here. But maybe if instead of walking with my head down, I started to look up a little more I could get everything I wanted. And yes, I realize that my friends have been telling this to me for ages, but I can be fairly stubborn and that may never change. But I got the picture and it's not too late.


Fair warning: I am not saying that I am on my way to becoming a saint or that sweet little girl I used to be or that I won't be making any more stupid mistakes or that all of a sudden I am someone else. What I am saying, is that I am going to slowly try to become that person that's a little bit better inside of me. And I will listen to her a little bit more often and I will start to believe that I deserve the best if I work for it a little bit harder and that the big Man Upstairs isn't out to get me or my friends or laugh at us, but we just gotta play the cards he gives us and take giant leaps of faith in our friends, in our futures, and most of all, in our selves. And unfortunatly for all, I can't change the fact that I talk in metaphores.

the thing about friends is..

Yesterday someone mentioned that there were three top people that she could call if ever she was in trouble and couldn't call home. And then I thought about those that I call my best and closest friends and how much I trust them, and how difficult it is for me to be without them, and how, even if I don't speak to them on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis, I can still hear their voices and their advice.

I also can see how different they all are from each other and how much influence they have had over who I have become. Some of my best traits are simply reflections of them in me. Some of my worst traits are my way of rebelling from becoming too close to them. And I wonder how I changed from a shy, quiet kid with no real friends that rode the line between trusting everyone and trusting no one. But here I am, in my own way, loving every one of those friends so deeply, that it hurts that I can't be a better friend. And even though I walk away so often, I could never hide. I have placed myself in all of them, that if I were to lose one of them, I would lose myself.


I knew I would need to run away from home to find out who I was when I stood alone. I guess I always expected things to be the same with or without me. But life moves in so many directions all at once and before you know it, the world you left and the world you thought you were living in are all gone. And change is independant of good and evil and it is the only thing constant. How we react to that change is what allows us to grow and live. Being away from home makes me realize that I don't have to stand alone. I do not want to stand alone. I can't stand alone. I am here and can keep going, not only because of the person I am but the people I have choosen to keep around me.


And I don't think that I can say it enough times: I love you girls, more than you could ever imagine. Only really good friends like you guys could ever put up for so long with a head case like me (then, again, you are all a bit crazy yourselves, maybe that's why we're friends).

One more for the web

Today I got notice (ok, I got notice a few days ago, but I just checked today) that a friend started a blog. It's true, this whole online thing is catching on. It's not enough that we always talk to our friends (on the phone, anytime that we want to procrastinate), but now we have this mean to do so, at all hours, without having to wake anyone up at odd hours. And, then, it also makes us feel better to be able to express thoughts and feelings without feeling like we are insane because we are holding conversations with just ourselves.

Anyway, I may have now found motivation to continue updating myself. Although, my hard class is over, I may now have too much free time and not be able to distract myself from doing work by writing in my blog. Which brings me to the fact that I have 4.5 days left before this tortuous class is over!! My life may be able to return to "normal." But then again, I pretty much gave up "normal" a long time ago. So now, I must return to class and pretend to learn more real medicine and some psych!!

OH, and today is the first time that someone from my school finally discovered that I keep a blog. It might start getting harder to talk about what happens here if people find out that I must publicly discuss my issues here!! oops.

Chinese takeout

Nothing like greasy chinese take out to make a bad night more smelly and enjoyable. Cumulativve finals have a way of making me stay up really late, and today, one of my classmates made the experience more exciting by adding chinese take-out to the mix. So now, when I leave this room, I will forever stink. I also find fortune cookies extremely exciting. Everyonce in a while you get a really cheesy one that makes you smile or a bad cliche that makes you cringe. So here is mine for tonight, "Nothing in the world is accomplished without passion."

Couldn't be plainer. If I want to pass this test tomorrow (which about 10% of the class usually fails, and yes, I am in the bottom 10% of the class), I will have to STUDY. And not just study, but study with passion. Yes, that is difficult more me to accept, but guess what, it's a new me. I am actually quite amazed at the amount of information that I have covered in 8 hours, pretty much straight through. Other eight to go!!

I was also asked if I was truely happy all the time, or if on days like this when everyone is a little anxious about the exam, do I just smile for everyone else's benefit. Oh, such insight. And then I was told that with me, there is no middle ground. I am either really happy or really unhappy. Black and white. Could this be true? And if so, how healthy can that possibly be? I must say I tend to agree that with many things in my life I am kinda black and white, but then again there are those things were all I can see is grey. Why does my brain have to have so many connections and regulatory mechanisms that make my thoughts and feelings so complicated? I HATE THE BRAIN!! Only 6 school days and a weekend to go!!