a year in review

and it stands true that only when i'm alone with myself do i have the energy to contemplate my life online.

so as sleep escapes me, because i am doomed to never sleep when i actually need to, i begin to wonder what has become of the sweet, sweet girl that moved to new york city three years ago. and mostly i wonder if i really have changed at all, or if i have "changed" so much that i have come full circle??

a year ago, i kinda new i wanted to be a surgeon, just read my blog, it says so. and then i went all crazy and didn't want to be one. and now i'm back again. i'm always trying to keep myself from thinking if i want to do this whole medicine thing in the first place....and that's when you know i'm tired and just need a good nap.

so here i am with a chance to stand alone and a chance to prove to everyone that i am a "good kid" and that i can do this. but mostly i just want to prove it to myself. and that's probably why i can't sleep.

on another similiar note:

it's all those things that i have taken for granted in my life that are slowly coming back to haunt me.
all those times that i claimed to be all alone at school, i was surrounded by wonderful people that took me into their lives. while all i wanted to do was to run away, they supported me the best that i would let them. and they became a part of my life that i refused to accept as my own. i continue to feel that the less that i belong to their world, the easier it will be to leave it. because it's my world that i miss, not theirs. and it's my world that has changed without me, while i've been too busy off somewhere else. it's the way it should be, because that's life, right?

CRAYON BOX SURVEY:

RED IS LOVE
1. Do you love someone? Lots of people! I'm full of love.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight? it could exist
3. Do you believe in love? I think so, especially if i believe in love at first sight
4. Have you ever been in love? somedays i think so, but most of the time, i'd have to say no

BLUE IS ANGER
1. Are you currently mad at someone? No
2. Which of your family members has the worst temper? Me
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone? Yes
4. Is anyone mad at you? I don't know
5. Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad? Probably
6. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell? Stare (and shake while yelling on the inside)

YELLOW IS SELF DISCOVERY
1. Name: y
2. Birthday: 1/24
3. Age: 25
4. Do you want to have children? adopted
5. When do you want to die? Not any time soon

ORANGE IS EXCITEMENT
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you? yes
2. If you won a million dollars, who would you tell first? my mom
3. If you could have anything/anyone right now what/who would it be? a big house with a huge kitchen and a puppy

GREEN IS OPINIONS
1. Are you against gay marriage? No, You can't help who you fall in love with
2. Lower the drinking age? No
3. Are you against abortion? No

PURPLE IS Q&A
Q: How many beds did you lay in today?
A: 1

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: baby blue

Q: Name one thing that you did today?
A: ate dinner with a friend

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: $6

Q: Is your crush on your friends list?
A: No

Q: Look to your right. What do you see?
A: my bed

Q: What website do you visit the most?
A: my email

Q: Do you have plans for tomorrow?
A: 24 hour call

Q: Is anything/anyone hurting you right now?
A: a sad memory from Wednesday

Q: Why did you pick your myspace url?
A: high school "nickname"

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: Wednesday

PINK IS LAST
1. Movie watched: My big fat Greek wedding
2. Song you listened to: my 3 doors down cd
3. Last person you talked to: Alicia

GRAY IS TODAY
1. What are you doing tonight? going to sleep
2. Who were you with today? Alicia and people at school/work

BROWN IS FOR THE FUTURE
1. Tomorrow is: a day full of work
3. Are you going to see someone you like?: not particularly
4. Plans for this summer? work/hopefully something fun

Grey's

From the NYtimes about Grey's Anatomy and the new spin off show

The New Modern Woman, Ambitious and Feeble

Comments to follow on a day when I can string together more than two sentences.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

I watch too much TV and this is one of my favorite shows. [Sure is better than the original idea of the show were they took women (and men) and tons of plastic surgery.] I sometimes don't watch it because I don't think that I have ever been able to watch this show and not cry my eyes out. It is amazing to me how people can come together and really change one family's life. People could make arguments about how many more people could be helped if the resources were redistributed, but none of that matters. People are getting second chances; there is good in the world.

There are all sorts of people and gestures: little things people and big gesture people. The big gesture almost always gets all the attention. The little things take a lot more time and thought, but they are just as fabulous. Because changing one life, is still changing one life. If you have the opportunity to change more, then more power to you. But don't judge yourself for not being able to save the world.

What gets me is how we could think that we are insignificant in this world. Everyone needs someone. Some are meant to change the people around them and others are destined to touch the lives of people they will never know. Some will get to hear thank you and others may seemingly go unnoticed. Attention and thanks should never be motivation to do something. "Not enough" should never be and excuse to not do something.

Because every good thing done, no matter how big or small, once or often, is still a choice to share. We can't be the judges of what will change a person's life. Guess what I'm trying to say is that by simply being considerate, on any given day, could be the day you touch someone's life in a way that is memorable. It's good to go out of your way to do good; but it's just as good to do the little things.

looking into the future

those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly - jfk

i was catching up on my tv watching, instead of studying [not because i have these incredible need to set my self up for failure, but because it's a hobby i enjoy, really], and i ran across this quote. and of course i did the thing that i was avoiding to do, i started thinking.

i am afraid to fail. so afraid. fear is the only word i can come up with that accurately describes the chest tightness, hyperventilation, head/heart pounding, sweating, and blurry vision that overcomes me every time that i think about the future. and like many others before me and many others that will come, i am afraid of making a mistake, a wrong choice.

i don't understand why it feels like this is the most important decision ever. i've just never really felt this way before, you know, feeling the looming, impending, lurking doom. it feels like my entire life depends on this choice. this is the big fork in the road, the major decision, the one that will shape my life. the one where i can't turn back. but that's not entirely true. people change careers all the time. careers are ever-evolving, like the old cliche, you are never too old to learn something new. so then, what's the big deal? well, if i knew that, i wouldn't be here.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that my chance of failing miserably is high, really really high. but i have nothing more to lose, except my dream. and if i fail, at least i tried, and will only kick myself in the butt for not trying sooner (that i can't change).

now if i could just figure out exactly how much that was worth to me (in actual dollars) b/c that's the next decision to make.

the little box

I watched something about risk-takers on tv last night. They talked about how risks were necessary and vital to life. But there are all different kinds of risk-takers. There are the ones that have no regard for their physical well-being by jumping off buildings and then there are those that face death in order to do their job: firefighters, policemen, fishermen, etc. They like the adrenaline, they thrive in changing environments and fuel themselves with the unknown. However, outside of their specific way to take risks, they are actually quite cautious. For example, one guy was driving "like a grandma" on his way to jump off the some building. His reasoning was that on his way to his jump he would likely see 2 or 3 accidents with someone seriously injured, and that was scarier to him than taking the huge risk of jumping off a building. In a way we all compartmentalize our lives (some more than others). There are places were we are willing to take risks and there are other times in life where we stand firm and won't take a chance.

We admire each other for going out-side the box and doing things that we think we could never imagine doing. We have a firm belief in the way we are programmed, that the wiring is permanent and could never be changed. At least I do. And sometimes, I use it as an excuse. The description given about risk-takers was people who loved change. The one thing that I have yet to get accustomed to is change. By that definition, I am no risk-taker. On the other hand, I think we all have a desire to push our limits, to be more than what we see ourselves as. Yeah, to be corny, to be outside the nice little neat box that we have created out of our lives. Facing change isn't easy, it isn't supposed to be and we can all agree it's something everyone has to face. Fine. Part of change is growing up and taking new responsibilities. Fine. Gotta do it at some point. But the fact remains, I don't really want to change that much. Not because it's uncomfortably or scary (although, that does play a part), but because I don't want to lose what I like about myself. Over the years I have been able to look in the mirror and really, truly like myself. Sure there are things that could be better and could use some maturing, but the core of who I am, how I think, how I feel, I don't want to give it up. I don't want to hide me, even with all my faults.

The question I have been trying to figure out the answer to since I got here...how much am I willing to change for this (this job, this career, this life)? I can't explain why it feels like a compromise, I don't know why this is so hard.

I get it that I am not the only one that is scared to make a mistake and to feel like what if I'm not good enough. That's normal. Been there, done that. I get it, really. But how do I fit my nice little box of life into what's expected of me without losing myself? Why is that my big concern? Because I have been disappointed in myself when I do some of the things that I have done in the past 2.5 years because I have been caught up in this life. I don't want to live a life where I am disappointed in myself, but I also don't want to live a life where I ask myself everyday "what if." I can rise to the academic challenge only because that is actually the easiest one to do. I've just been to lazy to do so only because I know that once this isn't holding me back anymore, I have to face making harder decisions. It's easier to do nothing, be passive, and let things happen to you, and blame something else, than actually working hard and failing.

my battle

These last few months have left me thinking really hard about my future. The time has come to make a commitment about my career and start looking for the "next place." Though in my heart I have know, for a while, that I want to become a surgeon, my biggest struggle has been to accept that I can actually do it. I have a great fear that I won't be good enough. Where that fear is founded, I'm not sure, but it's there and I have had a tough time trying to get over it. I haven't been really able to talk about it because I feel that it's repetitive and that I am just being too dramatic.

The thing is that it is the only thing on my mind is what the hell am I going to do about wanting to be a surgeon. Dear lord, it is the scariest thing in the entire world. Wanting to be a surgeon scares me more than when I moved here. It scares me because what if I am wrong. What if I fail? What if I'm not good? What if I can't do it? AHHHH!! Seriously, I wish I could feel that someone understood. I wish that I could eloquently articulate my fears and I wish I knew what I wanted to hear. When I came to New York I felt like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Ok, maybe that's not exactly true. I was scared like nobody's business. I was at the top of my game at the end of college and was academically ready to move on to bigger and better things. Maybe, I wasn't that ready personally and emotionally, but, whatever, I was going to do it anyways. And this place was it. It was the place to grow up, to find myself, to find my future, to build on my hard work. But like I have said many times before, that hasn't gone so well in my eyes. I feel broken, I feel out-of-control, I feel confused.

I hear that growing up is painful and it happens whether or not you want it to happen. So fine, I'll accept that I've grown, blah, blah, blah. Other than the fact that this sucks, is that it doesn't make me feel any stronger or more insightful about what the hell I am going to do about wanting to be a surgeon. One of my best friends told me, "if you aren't working to be a great surgeon, why are you there at all?" It has her attempt to shock me into seeing how silly I was being and it worked for 0.002 seconds. Telling me that things are going to be fine or telling me that if I am not going to work hard enough then to just give up or telling me that sometimes you can't have what you want....yeah, none of those things help.

We talked about my fears and why I just didn't do something real about it. She then went on to tell me that I what I really needed was real help. And that knowing me, I wasn't one to ask for help. We all know she's right. Her next question was interesting...she asked, "what is more important to you, your pride or your self-confidence?" To me that sounded like-if you want to regain your self-confidence and work on those things that scare you, then you need to ask for help. But your pride is getting in the way, so you need to make decision about setting your pride aside for a while and get some help. Half a heart beat later I said, "my pride." That's me. That was me before I got here and it's all I got left. A part of me says that if I let go of my pride and don't try to do this alone, then I'll have lost all that remains of who I was. Another part of me says that pride is bad and that is the last thing that needs to go before I can really grow up and start to make real changes and embrace the new things in my life.

So that's it...I think I want to be a surgeon, but it scares me!! A lot. Mostly because I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life. And I can't look at people I don't know in the eye and say I want to be a surgeon. It's easy to say it when I'm surrounded by people who love me and support me, but it's another thing to say it to strangers. They say the same things...are you sure? can you live that kind of lifestyle? what happens when you want to have a family, kids? can you go on such little sleep? can you work with that type of personality? And my friends say kidding...it was nice knowing you, we will miss you. you are going to be living in a different world than the rest of us. And it goes on and on. The doubts, about me, about my choices, about the future. My doubts. My battle, my struggle, to understand myself, to understand who I am, and who I want to be, is mostly to be ok with all of those things.