Almost home

five days until I can set foot in my house. and these will be the longest five days of my life. it is cold and i have lots of things to do before i go home. what i don't seem to understand is why, when home is so close (and one of my closest friends came to see me on Saturday), i am still so sad. sad enough that twice today i have been close to tears and i have only been awake for less than 3 hours. but, life keeps going and school doesn't slow down. must get to class and learn so i don't fail another test. can't fail this class, because then i don't get to go home for the spring/summer break.

Snow

Woke up this morning to a fairly magnificent snow fall. It was cloudy outside my window and I was sad because I figured it was one more cold and cloudy day. But then I realized it was not rain that was falling, it was snow. LOTS AND LOTS of snow. An hour later, when I walked out of my building, I was surprised by how bright everything was. Since it was still early and the snow was fresh, everything was covered in a beautiful glowing white layer. And while, of course, I was complaining about how cold it was and how I was probably going to fall while trying to get to class, I could not help but think about how beautiful the snow was, and how it actually wasn't that bad.

But now, its sunny outside, the snow has started to melt, the machines have pushed snow somewhere between the street and the sidewalk (yes, there isn't much room there.) And the pretty snow has turned into dirty slush.

Everyone has a photographic memory........

......Some people just don't have film. [a friend's away message] i think that is a good thought for the day.

I seem to only have film for things other than school. Which brings me to: Formal dances are soo much fun. Ours was this past weekend and I had a blast. There are a few things that are a little blurry, but that is why my classmates had their camaras. It is quite amazing how people act a little differently when they are all dressed up. I must say that everyone in my class cleans up real nicely. It was a fun and exciting night, filled with the usual "too much alcohol to remember, but woke up the next morning feeling like I had a good time." At least that is what my classmates say. I woke up the next morning and had a conference to oversee. But luckly I only have a few more days left here where it snows and I am back home. Let's see if I can survive.

Grey's Anatomy

One of my favorite shows. Fairly addictive. Very soap opera. And almost always relavant and I end up yelling at the characters (or the tv). Show starts and ends in a monologue by the main character, very Sex in the City. But during the show one of the characters said something that kinda stuck with me...just fyi...."when you tell me that I am better off with out him [or could do better, something along those lines], it doesn't make me feel better. It is actually demeaning." Food for thought.

I am guilty of telling my friends that they are better off without the boys they date (and/or like). And when I tell it to them, I just mean that they are wonderful beautiful women that do not deserve to have their hearts broken or even bruised by particular boys.

But when someone says it to me, it has never really made me feel better. And I could never quite put into words why. It always bothered me to be told I was better off without someone who choose to ignore me. As true as it may be that I am better off, that doesn't change the fact that I am the one in pain and the one rejected. And I guess I just never paid attention to the fact that something I constantly tell my friends could potentially make the feel crappier. And, then, last night, I understood.

When my heart (and my ego) is a little bruised, I don't want consolation in the fact that I am better off. I just want my pain recognized and that's it. Once again, I don't want to think about how my future will be better; I just want to concentrate in my present, here, now, today. And as much hope as the future brings, the future is just that, the future. It isn't today, and it doesn't erase today. I have to get through today and my pain today, to get to tomorrow.

ps-as a side note: on the show that night there was also a crazy lady that had committed murder and was held in an isolation cell in prison. in order to have human contact, she attempted suicide. and then, no one paid attention to her at the hospital, so she attempted suicide again. makes you wonder how important human contact is to all of us. So just in case any of those people that care about me are concerned, no matter how much I try, I must have human contact here: they take attendance in class and no matter how much I may try, I am not that invisible and i have room-mates that respect my need to be alone, but care enough to force me out of my room if need be (or at least contact the appropriate authorities :p)

And that is how the cookie crumbles

I will try, to the best of my ability, to be as non-dramatic as possible. I assure you, that if you could see my face right now, I would not be the usually drama queen (you have to take my word for it.) In other words, the people sitting next to me have no idea what is going on.

So I just flat out failed a quiz for the second time in medical school. Not just, "didn't do as well as I could have" or "diappointed in my performance," but outright failed. The first time wasn't so bad because I had other grades that brought it up, but this one, stands alone. I can outline the reasons why, and they are quite easy to explain. I just didn't study. Apparently, in my one and a half years in medical school, I have not learned that I need to study for more than 11 hours in order to pass a medical school test. But I am not whinning or complaining. Really I am not. Mostly, I am in a state of shock. Lots of things are running through my head, but mostly just confusion. It all seems jumbled together. I am trying to make a game plan in my head, and actually trying to be optimistic, but it's all swirling out of control. I am amazed at how easily I can look at my classmates and smile as if nothing was wrong. I remember those days when I wore my heart on my sleeve and I couldn't hide my emotions from those closest to me. But now I feel myself so emotionally confused. I can barely distinguish any other emotions.

The problem is that I don't want to hear people tell me, it will be fine and that it doesn't really matter, or try to comfort me. Because in the grand scheme of things, that is right, it's going to be fine and it won't matter. And, actually, I don't want to sit here and think about how deprressing it is that I can't pass my heart test, because you know what I don't feel like being depressed today. So as optimistic as that kinda sounds, it is balanced out by the fact that even though in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter: right now, right here, it does matter. It matters because I have to pass this class to finish second year. period. nothing more complicated or melodramatic about it.

I want to be able to take care of myself in the present time. I don't want to be concerned about what may or may not happen in the future. Whatever, I am a fairly intelligent person that has been successful in the past. And I am fairly strong enough that I can survive whatever obstacles life throws my way. I just don't want to feel like my present day short-comings are justified because I am going to be fine in the end. I want to be more than fine, and I want that right now.

So the game plan is to work as hard as I can get myself to focus for the next two weeks. And deal with what is to come, when it comes. So if I am short tempered or don't answer the phone, or hide, that is the best I can do. I don't have the energy to keep up a front for extended periods of time anymore. Plus, it is cold outside. It already snowed once this week and there is more snow coming tonight.