self-centered

enough said.

Relapse

Stupid boys.

It all started Monday morning, when I walked into my small group and the first thing said to me was "happy birthday" and it was the stupid boy. I tell him, it's the next day and he says, "I know, happy early birthday."

So, since this summer, it was been a stormy ride with him. First, I decide I still like him. Then I decide to tell him I like him. Then, I decide to explain my weird moods. And, then, we quit speaking to each other. By this time, I have decided the further I am from him, the better off I am.

Then, of course fate, puts us in a small room with only 9 other people. Kinda hard to ignore someone, but we still manage. Finally, he decides that to be my friend he has to try to be nice to me. So, he is nice to me and we are on speaking terms again. We know that I can't stay away. But I try. I don't look for him or change my schedule to see if I can bump into him, or think about him excessively. So around the same time, his birthday rolls around and I decide to go out and celebrate with him and our friends. He pulls me aside and attempts to give me this speech about how much it means to him that I am his friend, and how he loves me as a friend, and how it makes him feel so much better that we are on speaking terms again, blah, blah, blah...Whatever. I make a birthday cake for him because I made one for his roommate. (i didn't do it for the attention, though you might not believe me).

Winter break comes, nothing out of the ordinary. We come back to school, I am as cool as ever. I am on this "not looking back" thing and I feel good. I don't think about him as much any more. I don't look for him in class. My heart doesn't race as much when he is around. So, I'm thinking: oh, yeah, I am over him. Which brings us to Monday.

I understand that I make a big deal about my birthday and that I expect a lot of attention, so if someone remembers at 8 AM on a monday morning that it's my birthday, I am kinda flattered, no big deal. I will take attention whenever I get it if I am looking for it. Later that same day, we go back to small group and I hear this little voice in my head say, "I think he is sitting here, sit next to him." I sit down, but don't give it that much thought. He walks in and my heart races and I think, "I hope he sits next to me." So I internally yell at myself and focus on class. Soon class gets boring and I find myself flirting with him (because he is sitting next to me). I will spare you the details. Regardless, I found myself sinking back to the old feelings. So, I yelled at myself again.

Next day, actually birthday, I get a text message from someone: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :) (copied exactly as received). So I think, how sweet, it's 9:30 and someone is thinking of me. But I don't know who sent it. Later that day, I reply saying, "thanks, but since I broke my phone, I don't know who this is." Considering we were in a boring class, I am not that surprised by the fast response from him letting me know it was him.

So, I figure, I was nice to him on his birthday and so he is trying extra hard to be nice to me on my birthday. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. But tell that to my head and my heart that are totally over-reacting. AHHH! I hate feelings! I hate boys!! But I won't let him ruin my day. Whatever, we all have our weak moments, this is mine, just gotta push through. It will be fine.

Then today, walk into small group and the first thing he says to me is "Happy Birthday." I smile and say thanks. What else am I supposed to say: What is your problem, do you think I'm stupid or deaf, do you think I didn't hear you the first two times? Whatever, I doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean anything. AHH! Why, why now? Why when I was doing so good at moving on? AHH! And, then, later this afternoon, again, flirting, sitting next to him, wanting to hold his hand, wanting to have hime talk to me and continue flirting with me!

So I get it: I doesn't mean anything. He is just my friend and he is being nice to me because that is what friends do. But seriously, how many times does he have to say happy birthday to me. And why do I have to sit next to him and he flirt with me? WHY? Normal people think: it's flirting, just like with everyone else in the class that you flirt with, it's just having fun.

But at the end of telling this long drawn out story for the third time, why is it that I really want to believe that this once, just maybe, it means something. Stupid boys...no wait..stupid me!

It's my birthweek!!

After a slow and sleepy start, yesterday's activities started to pick up around 8 PM. My friends took me for a girl's night (in pretty dresses) to celebrate at a fancy NYC steakhouse. The atmosphere was good and the food was delicious. We talked and laughed and had a wonderful time. They brought out my dessert with a candle and sang happy birthday. When the song got to my name it was more a unanimous muffled noise, but can't blame them (the waiters) for trying.

Then, we got to come home and there was an attempt to surprise me with cake, but they kinda messed it up, but that's ok. Since I thought that that was their surprise, I was certainly not expecting what came next. So, my room-mate and I are in our apt. waiting for the girls to come up with the cake and stuff. I can hear them outside congregating. And, then, the door opens. I look up, see the cake, and then see the person holding the cake. It was not one of the girls, but one of the cuties in our class. This boy is currently the object of my affection, not obsession, just good ol' 12 yr old crush like thing. And of course, since my classmates and I have nothing better to do, we talk about him all the time. So the look of surprise on my face must have been very funny, especially because I could feel myself turning red.

It remindes me of this great Christmas present I got in high school. A certain boy, who at the time was the object of my affection, came in and delivered a bag of Hershey's kisses along with a card. The card said that my Christmas present was a lot of kisses from my cute junior white boy. It was from my best friend.

So, what I am hoping for the next time, girls, is that instead of getting a cute boy to deliver sweets to me from you, you just get me the cute boy. Ok, so I probably won't accept the gift, but then again I might. (ok, i'll take him, if he's my type)

I love my birthday!!

Sigh of relief

Never have I been so excited for a 65. Mind you, I don't care that the average was 72. But I passed. One of the most difficult tests and I passed. But, then, all the excitement makes me sad because now all I want is to pass.

7 things

7 things to do before I die:
1. Meet Alejandro Fernandez, Gael Garcia Bernal and Ricky Martin
2. Visit the Egyptian pyramids
3. Find a job that makes me happy
4. Build my mommy the home of her dreams
5. Adopt (# of kids = how many I can afford to give a chance.)
6. Talk to my dad
7. Live in the jungle (maybe just camp)

7 things I cannot (or will not) do:
1. Walk without tripping
2. Stay put when a boy talks to me
3. Eat white-people Mexican food (stole that one from Abby)
4. Stop loving my friends
5. Wake up early when I don't have to
6. Shave my head
7. Sing

7 things I say most often:
1. Good morning sunshine
2. Crap (Damn)
3. The other day....
4. _____ like ______
5. _____ with the back of my hand
6. I like you
7. You make me happy

7 books or series you love
1. Harry Potter and ...
2. The DaVinci Code
3. Where the Red Fern Grows
4. (can't remember the name of my favorite Robin Cook book)
5. Good in Bed
Finish this later

7 movies I would watch over and over again
1. Ever After
2. 10 things I hate about you
3. Center Stage
4. Little Women
5. Aladdin
6. X-Men (1 and 2)
7. Leathal Weapon 4

I have used too many brain cells for this things and I think I have also used up my words for the day.

half way

glass half empty? glass half full? I actually just don't know, but I do know that I am halfway done with my tests for the day. This is just in case I fall off the face of the earth this weekend: I am resting, putting my thoughts and the pieces of my life together, but the real reason I write is because I am trying to convience myself that it isn't that bad........ So, I know it's not supposed to be a slap in the face when someone tells you, "are you struggling? you should get some extra tutoring." They just want to help because it will make you better and you should be good at what you are going to do for the rest of your life. But I may not be the position to take that the way it should be taken. But just so you know, my teachers noticed and, now, who knows what will happen.

Back to school

I have been back in NYC for 61 hours. (Not that I am counting) It has been cold, but I have started to adjust considering that our highs are in the 40's this week. Trust me, that is good news. I was told earlier this week that I have not done a good job of keeping up with this blog and that my best friend (who I got this idea from) was up on me by 3 entries. So, since I last wrote, I had finals and I went home; the latter being the most fun I have had in four months. I saw all my closest friends at least once and I was in beautiful warm weather for two whole weeks!! The sad part was trying to negociate with my mom how much time I could spend out of the house without her being upset. Sometimes, it went in my favor, a lot of the time, I was asked (with tears) to stay home.

But now I have returned to the cold city (where a few of my friends have thanked me for returning, i wonder if they know something about me and how i feel about being here) and I have many concerns on my mind. For example, I have a final on Monday and then again on Weds or Fri and a Renal test on Friday. Kinda scared and by kinda I mean a whole lot considering I failed the first test! Then in a few months I will be responsible for taking Step 1 of the USMLE (a big test that covers two years of information) and I am not excited at all. And, then, I have the privalage of starting clinical clerkships in June. AHHHHHH!!!!!

So my mind is a bit preoccupied with my future.